|Review:||Elphaba and Boyfriends says:|
Hi, Elphaba here! I've broken my comments into categories, here we go...
Plot: I really like the science-clashes-with-magic nature of the plot. I haven't read anything quite like this, either. I think that it's really interesting that you've decided to make the golden trio's transition into adulthood such a difficult one. Even though this isn't how post-Hogwarts fanfics are usually depicted, I think it is realistic for them to have trouble getting jobs and maintaining their relationships -- that's how it often turns out in the real world, after all. :)
Characterization: Harry and Hermione's interactions with each other seem very in-character, so far. They got along so well during DH (making Ron jealous then, too) that I could definitely see them getting caught up in the moment like that. I can also imagine Ron and Hermione's relationship being a very rocky one, since they fought so much in the books. Having Ron make the sexist suggestion that Hermione cook breakfast isn't something that I would have thought of, but he did make insensitive and boneheaded comments periodically throughout the series so it isn't completely implausible. You don't explain how/why Harry and Ginny broke up, and that is something that should be addressed at some point during the story, but I don't think it's necessary here.
Flow: Overall, I think this is very good. There were just a couple of phrases that stuck out, both toward beginning.
The first is the last sentence of the second paragraph: "Their society wasn't run by an irrational pureblood society." The repetition of the word society just seems off; maybe replace the first society with something like "government."
Farther along, this sentence just seemed a little awkward: "He had been the perfect man for the job of putting up with her ceaseless ranting." Maybe just shorten it up a bit, to something like: "He was the perfect man for the job of listening to her ceaseless rant."
I'm no editor, so feel free to ignore my suggestions. :)
I didn't find anything confusing. Even the genetics stuff seem to make sense. The only things I might consider changing with that section are to throw in a line to explain where/why Hermione got the book (maybe she stopped by the muggle library looking for light reading and the cover caught her eye). Then, when she is explaining the genetics stuff to Harry maybe describe their physical actions - I imagine her pointing excitedly to specific sections in the book, while his eyes glaze over - just to lighten it up a bit! :)
I'm not normally a Dramione fan, but this story seems interesting and I've enjoyed what I've read so far!
Author's Response: I like conflict and drama, so as far as the plot goes, there's plenty of that in this chapter and in chapters to come. :) I also think that Hermione, Harry and Ron would have more trouble than most as young adults because they aren't used to living without Voldemort hanging over their heads.
I think Ron was being sexist, and I would never tolerate my husband/boyfriend saying something like that. However, generally speaking, women are the ones who cook meals and clean the house these days, even if they have other jobs. Ron has grown up in a house with Molly Weasley, who is constantly raising her children, cleaning the house, and cooking huge meals for everyone. Also, Hermione knows this, and she doesn't exactly fault him for it - she might've scolded him if she had the time to think about what he'd said. I don't think Ron's a bad person for his 'sexist' comment. I rather think that he's used to having meals prepared for him, and if someone told him he was being sexist, he might argue that Hermione makes a better breakfast or something like that. Do you see where I'm coming from? I think it's more complex than, 'oh, he's sexist.' I think it's more of what he's used to, and, as you said, the fact that he doesn't always think about the implications of what he says.
Thanks for pointing out those phrases. I've done a ton of edits on this chapter, and sometimes sentences have been sort of clumsily spliced together. I'll go back and change those.
I'm glad nothing was confusing! I hope you don't think I wasn't planning on coming back to Harry/Ginny! Ginny is essential for the plot of this story, and there will be much more about her later - in fact, she makes an appearance in the beginning of the next chapter.
Thanks for the suggestion about the book. I agree, that would definitely make it a bit lighter and less abrupt.
This isn't really a Dramione - it's more action/adventure with a very eventual Draco/Hermione romance pairing. They aren't even going to meet until chapter six. :)
Thanks so much for your great review!