Hi! Here from the forums with your requested review!
Grammar: Now, to start off, I'll just say that just because something is grammatically incorrect doesn't mean you have to change it. However, rewording or rewriting things that readers don't understand is rarely a bad idea. Overall, this looks solid, but there are some areas where I'm not sure. I'll point them out here:
...and his eyes moistened to the eerie green light -- the word "moistened" isn't used correctly here, and though I understand you don't necessarily have to use words "correctly" to have them make sense in a sentence, this doesn't make sense here. Does this sentence mean that he begins to cry when he sees the light? Or is it rather like, his eyes grow moist as he looks towards the light? As it is right now, I just kind of skip over the sentence because I don't understand it, and because of that I think you might be missing an opportunity to get the most out of this image. After all, if you're writing about canon events, you want to make them your own so we understand just how much this story is yours rather than something you're writing that JKR wrote, if that makes sense.
...painful memories; a darkness in nightmares that only demons could imagine...--Well, this kind of sounds pretty but it's logically inconsistent. Kreacher can obviously imagine what's going to happen in that cave, and he clearly imagines what occurs in the memories. There are other options available to making this moment dramatic, and I'd say that straying from this kind of hyperbolic statement is within your best interests.
...the tiny island in the centre--easy fix. The centre of what? The lake, etc, etc. Just to give us a clearer image :)
Accepting this fact with almost a resignation --this is awkward wording around "almost a resignation." You have your options of how to reword it: "something like resignation," "with a hint of resignation," "with something that felt almost like resignation"...the list continues into the sunset.
Named after the most recognisable constellation in the heavens, Orion was a man to match such titles. This is a strange wording, a bit clunky and ambiguous. I've read the other reviews you have received for this story and it looks like at least one other reviewer has given you advice on how to reword this, so I'd just sound repetitive offering other interpretations.
Though naturally cold people, Regulus had loved them for who they truly were. For this sentence to make sense you'd want to add "they were" between "though" and "naturally": "though they were naturally cold people..." Otherwise you're describing Regulus as "naturally cold people" and I don't feel I need to comment further on that.
...he had endeavoured to fix, it remained broke. Three things here: one, tense change. Should be "it had remained." Two: "broke" should read "broken." Three: what is "it"? I like what you're doing with the short, dramatic sentences, but there are so many words in the English language and, in some cases, of which this is one, we must take it up on the offer it gives us for precision.
...boat faster, his anger exuded through the physical task. You should write "his anger exuding" or change the comma after "faster" to a semi-colon.
I don't want to go through the rest of this nitpicking every sentence, because I feel that would be a bit boring for both of us. If you want someone to do that, though, you should go to the "quick betas" section in the forums and ask someone to go through with a fine-tuned hand and mark every inconsistency. Overall, like I said, this looks okay. My advice to you as a reviewer rather than a beta is just to look through one last time before finishing, if you're concerned specifically about grammar, and read it out loud if you have to, because you should be able to spot a lot of these yourself ;)
Okay, onto something more fun to talk about!
Characterization: I know this was for a challenge, but the "shake it out" really didn't work for me at this point in the chapter. Regulus thus far has appeared to us as someone contemplative, kind, determined and brave, and his thoughts have tended towards symbolism and elegance. "Shake it out" seems startlingly out-of-character. There are moments when characters will surprise a reader with inconsistency, but I think that if "shake it out" came later, like, while he was talking to Kreacher--in fact, if shake it out was some kind of affectionate piece of advice to Kreacher, I would see it as more in character. Not an order to the elf, because that could end horribly, but as more of a last-words kind of thing, with a brave smile and a determinedly-wrinkled brow.
I like this Regulus after all. He seems inward: quiet, contemplative, perhaps even literary. The star imagery works well considering, as you obviously have yourself, the fact that the Black family is mostly named from constellations and stars. I like that idea. Somehow it isn't at odds with the scene; there's a juxtaposition to these thoughts of stars, which are so other and untouchable, and the harsh reality of what's happening to Regulus--death, complete surrender and vulnerability. So, I think, good job on that! I also like the turn at the end where Regulus considers himself, in this act of totally giving up on life because of a higher purpose, the brighter of the two stars. It's startling and I like how you have written it. I think it would also be cool if you added in a fact or two about stars like, for instance, what makes one star in real life brighter than another? It might make the whole scene more bizarre and tragic, though, as I've said, you've done a great job with it already.
I hope this review was kind of what you might have been looking for from me, or if I was helpful to you!
Author's Response: Hello there!!
I'd like to THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to do this for me! I've taken into consideration everything you say and after reading it again I can see where you're coming from! & about the tenses, I'm so horrible at them! I get confused all the time so I'm glad you pointed that out to me :P
Yeah I noticed it didn't really fit in with Regulus, but I wrote it anyway for the sake of the challenge. I'll try sorting that out to make it work though!
& I am SO in love with the Black family, there's so much mystery and depth into their line and it's just lovely to explore.
Again, I'd like to say THANK YOU for reviewing! I really appreciate it!!! :D