Sorry it's taken so long for this review! August has been a pretty crazy month for me as well as i'm trying to get my worker visa completed so i can move.
So, I really love Lily/James and so i enjoyed this on a basic storytelling level where it was just a cute story to read. You characterized both Lily and James well too i think. I especially liked how the problems they had didn't just disappear when they were married but they still fought a bit and what not. It made the story feel real and alive.
This was written in chronological order and even if it had flashbacks, i wouldn't count that as the story jumping back and forth. It seemed more like a reflection from Lily. Anyway, it didn't disrupt the flow at all for me and i think you put them in really seamlessly. I really don't like flashbacks as they never seem to fit with the story but i felt like how you've written it it seems like its woven into the seams of your work. So great job with that.
I also really liked how this just captured some of the most important moments of Lily and James' life together. Particularly, i liked how they ended up marrying. I liked how she was pregnant first and then they got engaged. It seems like most people write it like they were married and then had the child. However, that always bothered me a little as i've always just seen them as being so young and i've always liked the idea that Harry might have been a bit of a surprise/mistake. Anyway, i thought you did a good of doing that and just showing this as as real relationship and not some fairytale.
The ending really startled me as i didn't really feel like it ended at all. It just sort of stopped and i think that really took away from the piece itself as it made me fall out of the story without really getting the emotional impact as i should have. I feel like you should have had something that that wraps up the story or has some sort of closure. I don't mean something that says they lived happily ever after for a time because they had each other but something that has a more key end. Whether that be a snappy one-liner or an added paragraph that gives their life more depth- just something more would probably add to this story.
I also felt like this could have had a little more description. It was mostly okay but i think that sometimes i felt like i wanted to know about the setting or the smell of a place or simply the actions of the characters. When Lily tells James she's pregnant for example, there was a lot of dialogue but what were they doing in those moment? Where there hands flapping around? Where they holding each other? Interweave description like that with the dialogue so that we can see what's happening.
This was lovely though and i'm glad you requested it from me and i hope you found this helpful! (oh and i really liked your choice of present tense here, i forgot to mention it above but it made me feel more present while reading this). :D
Author's Response: I am so, so sorry for the epically late response. D: August has been so busy for me, so apologies for the delay.
I'm glad you liked the story in terms of its storytelling. Ha, of course couples would still have arguments -- most married couples do yell at each other, so yeah, I wanted that to be realistic.
Yayay to the flashbacks not being sudden or anything! I was very worried about that, I must say, so it's great to know you liked it despite not usually liking flashbacks and non-linear stuff.
Lolol, I actually don't believe in sex before marriage, myself, but that doesn't mean premarital sex doesn't happen in the world, or something, haha. I also like the idea of Harry being an accident, because I doubt Lily and James would've planned the pregnancy, not when they were fighting for the Order.
Okay, I get that people have had issues with the ending :-/ I was thinking of expanding it, and I may, one day, but I'm still not sure exactly how I would end it, so I'll have to see. Maybe I'll try to think of a snappy one-liner; I totally get where you were coming from with that one.
And, ha, I do get told a lot that I don't use enough description. I am trying to work on that, promise. I understand how description adds to things, and I will definitely work on that in teh future, so ta for the tip.
Thank you very much for the review. I am really glad you liked the use of present tense and that you enjoyed it -- apologies for the uber late response. D: