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Review:Jinxy says:
First of all, I'd like to say that I am enjoying your story a lot so far. I like how everything flows, and I can sense something exciting happening soon!

But there are a few things I'd like to put to your attention. Jinxy's grammar obsession!

I'm just picking a few lines from different chapters. They're not very noticeable, but probably things you'd like to keep in mind for all types of writing.

1. "I see you two know each other, congratulations on the last name basis." (Chapter 2) ---after the comma, you should use a co-ordinating conjunction (connecting word-and/but/or/yet/for/etc.), or replace the comma with a semi-colon, or make "Congrataulations..." the start of another sentence. Also, it might flow better if you added a 'that' to make "I see that you two...", but since it is dialogue, it is fine as is.

2. "I, for one, don't wish to argue with you or fight with you. So let's stay out of each other's way and pretend the other isn't there. Sound good?" (Chapter 2) ---this is something minor and more of an opinion. When speaking this line, 'don't' seems a bit weak. If you do not use the contraction and use 'do not' instead, it gives the line an extra punch. "I, for one, do not..." might sound stronger.

3. "And what was worse? She had to share a dorm with him for the year!" (Chapter 3) ---again, an opinion. Sometimes, you can emphasize the situation. Since Hermione appears to dislike Draco so much, a year might be a really long time. You may choose to add words to emphasize the length in time, like 'the entire year!'.

4. "Once she could have sworn he had even looking at her when she looked at him." (Chapter 4) ---this is a comma rule. Following 'once', there should be a comma before the subject (she).


You can always use sites to help. I just found this one online (it's a Canadian school!), and it's quite helpful for all sorts of grammar rules:
uottawa.ca
/academic/arts/writcent/hypergrammar/partsp
.html

Hope this helps!
-Jinxy

Author's Response: Haha, thanks a ton, Jinx. (:

I've taken a lot of advanced English classes and as you know, I'm a hard-core Grammar Nazi, but no one can get English perfect. :p


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