This is Becca from TGS ;). And you know I love your writing, so it's not surprising that I absolutely adored it! A secret liking for Snilly doesn't hurt either, though. This is amongst the best of them I've read.
One thing I love about your writing is that it really rewards a re-read. Partly because it's long and a lot to take in but also because it's just such rich writing - repetition, imagery, heartbreaking fragments of characterisation and just a shedload of raw emotion that means it takes a long time just to appreciate that. It's like the cream cake of the writing world, it really is.
As for your critique focus, I don't think you have anything to worry about from the idea of it being flat. It certainly has the kind of energy I associate with your writing, and I don't think it's lacking anything of that kind. I actually think the fact that it's jumbled is an advanage. It focusses so strongly on the point of view of Severus that I'd feel it was strange if it was very ordered - human thoughts tend not to be, and this style makes it feel more real. Especially the way in which Severus spends a lot of time on some moments, and little on others. It reflects how we dwell on some things and not on others, and it makes Severus feel a lot more alive somehow.
Speaking of which, I love your characterisation. Lily is recognisably Lily, but different somehow - the relationship with Severus, the smoking - it's all at odds with her goody-two-shoes image, and yet it never feels like it isn't her. At the same time, Severus is wonderful, and he's completely sympathetic. More to the point, he feels like Severus, which is something that often isn't the case in portrayals of him. I do, however, question that he'd be able to have a relationship with Lily in the holidays but not lapse in term time - he's a teenage boy, they have hormones!
The imagery and description in this was flawless, as always. I loved the circular beginning and end, I think it worked very well. And you managed to really portray the tragedy of Severus' end - it almost made me cry! I like how you didn't overdo the emotion as well, you stayed on the right side of overdone sentimentality, so well done!
In summary, I thought this was brilliant. I love how your writing is always recognisably yours, but you manage to use it differently as the story demands it. This reminded me of your Remus/Sirius, and I think the stories when you delve into a character's psyche work really well. I just really, really loved it. Well done!
Author's Response: Hahaha you made me laugh with the Severus bit haha. You're absolutely right. Teenage-boys have hormones and lots and lots of them, too. Hahaha I guess that's stretching it a bit far, isn't it? hahaha
Thank you so much for your review! As always you make me blush with all those wonderful things. I am thrilled you liked my Lily. I really hate the stereotype of her as a Goodie two shoes so I wanted to break with it. Because being with Severus (even as friends) wasn't very proper. Therefore I've never really believed she was a "rule-follower" like Hermione, but more of someone who stood their ground - a true Gryffindor; brave and loyal. But that's just me. Severus came oddly enough quite easily to me? I don't know why but he was just in my head and I thought that was how he should be - which was how this whole thing went. Two o'clock in the morning scribbles sometimes have their moments!
I'm really pleased that you're able to recognize my writing, that makes me really proud. You're so sweet always. Thank you so much for your review. This is awesome. xxx