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Review:AC_rules says:
Hello there! It's AC here reviewing for the Improvement challenge. Sorry its taken a little time for me to get your reviews to you, I was intimidated by the number I had to give out but I'm here now :)

SO, first thing I really liked your summary. I liked the poeticness of it all (love pretty language, me) so I was really excited about reading this.

First thing I noticed in terms of appearance was a bit on sentence construction. In this first bit My blue eyes traveled around the room, everyone was happy. Happy because Dominique had finally married. For one, 'traveled' should be 'travelled' and I thought could be punctuated in a much smoother, slicker way. I think My blue eyes traveled around the room; everyone was happy, happy because Dominique had finally married. works a bit better, although I've spent ten minutes wrinkling my forehead at it trying to work out but, point being, I thought there was a smoother way of stating it. Another thing is that you have 'I should walking' - just a simple mistake of missing the 'be' but because you have a few mistakes in that first paragraph it seems a little messy. I think most people forgive a few accidental typos, but when there are a few little things like that right at the beginning people are a little less forgiving. So, just make sure you go over the first couple of paragraphs over and over - reading out loud means that you're less likely to skip over mistakes too, which is really easy as you know exactly what it's supposed to say and sometimes just assume it does say so.

There are quite a few grammar related mistakes littered throughout the whole thing, too, particuarly when it comes to dialogue and dialogue tags. Those things are fiendishly difficult to get correctly, but on the forms there's a 'grammar guideline' section and their bit on dialogue actually saved my life - seriously, check it out, it's explained really simply with examples and such. Even though it might seem a bit tedious, getting your dialogue punctuated right elevates any piece of writing a lot in my opinion.

I really loved the little details you have with Victoire and Teddy debating whether or not Louis should be given anything else to drink - I'm not entirely sure whether they're in a romantic relationship at this point (I'm reading and reviewing at the same time), but it was a nice little familiar touch that I thought was really cute. Its details like that which sell a story :)

Also, I loved 'even while she was drooling Annabel managed to looked beautiful' (although, of course, it should be 'look' not 'looked).

I've got to say that Annabel seems like a bit of an idiot, all things considered, although I guess I can understand her reasoning of moving on after Louis left but, still, his brother? Really, that's pretty darn harsh.

Structurally, though, I thought you did pretty well with the whole thing - I liked the use of flashbacks throughout and I thought the transitions were pretty smooth and not to heavy handed. Although, I do have to say that it seemed like Louis had just got a new flat when he was about to move really really far away? I think you should have made it clearer that he'd gotten the flat quite a long time ago, or something, as it just struck me as quite illogical.

I also thought that Louis crying when he was at the wedding was unnecessary - although some men do cry, I'd say it's less common than weepy woman, and even with a woman I should think they would try not to cry in such a public place where there's a very real risk of someone asking what was wrong. So, I thought it might have made sense for him to go outside, then cry - or at least put up some resistance and try to swallow back the tears.

In conclusion, the main thing I thought was the mistakes. It seemed quite clumsy, in places and it is actually pretty easy to fix those things - just read back out loud, slowly, and you'll notice all those little errors that are quite jarring for you readers.

Thanks for entering, this was a really interesting one-shot that I did enjoy reading (I'm just focusing on the CC in the name of improvement) and good luck with the rest of the challenge! :)

-AC

Author's Response: Hey sorry for taking such a long time to respond, thank you for such a lovely and detailed review :) I love this sort of CC so thank you. I'm glad you liked the summary.

I agree the writing seems clumsy in some parts, and thank you for pointing it out. Anna is pretty mean, but perhaps she never really loved Louis, maybe it was a school crush. *shrugs* True Louis does seem too sensitive, you know I never had anyone point that out so thank you, I take everything into consideration when I edit this (my author's page needs a mega edit!)

Thank you, I hope to do good on the rest of the challenge and thanks for the review it was really helpful :)


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