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Review:Jchrissy says:
Hello! Here for your review!

Okay, humor wise, I think you have something really good because there was a handful of times that I was literally laughing out load. But, you do have a few things going on that take from that. I get that you are trying to show how immature these boys are with your use of words, but there are just a bit too many fudge and shiz's. It doesn't feel realistic, and no matter how immature someone is they would have a lot more severe words to say in this situation.

I love that you have so many different things going on, and Lorcan was so funny! I am totally reminded me of The Hangover, with Lorcan as the want to be best friend. Seriously great mix of characters.

Your interactions are natural, which I see a lot of people having problems with in humor. I think that you could cut down a lot on the 'mates,' though.

Your writing style is very easy to read and you do a great job with dialogue, which is good because there was a lot of that in this chapter.

I think what you could really work on is imagery and maybe more realistic responses. I mean, this is meant to be over dramatized for the humor purposes, which is great. But the way they react with their word choices just seems a bit too subdued. I'm also excited to see what possibly took Mila away from her nearly new born.

Again, in a humor fic it can be more fun and unrealistic, but you don't want your writing style to suffer because of that. I think, for the most part, it's strong. But those things I mentioned earlier could be worked on :). Also, your formatting is a little off leaving huge spaces between lines which does get distracting.

Very interesting first chapter, great job! I hope this review was helpful!


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