I am sorry that it has taken me this long to get around to reviweing this chapter for you. As you know I have been busy, but I still want you to know that I am sorry that it's taken this long. Anyways, onto the review! =)
I thought that you did a great job with Severus. You really were able to show how he thought that Lily should only be around him. He has this posessiveness that carries on later in his life after Lily dies and up through when he dies. So it was nice to see some familiar feelings already in place. I didn't think that he was like Malfoy at all. Malfoy is obnoxious when we meet him in the books. Snape is more posessive. Funny little side note...I am going back and forth between your review and your areas of concern and I didn't even read the part about you trying to show Snape in a posessive way. I agree with your statement that he is nicer than Malfoy. Peter, I thought was perfectly fine to be honest. He wasn't a large part of the chapter, but the part that he is in was very in character of him and the way you describe his appearance was spot on. I honestly thought that between Snape, Pettigrew, and Lily were perfect. Lily is this social butterfly, Snape is this brooding young boy, who's home life stinks, and he has posessive issues. Peter was that perfect scared little boy with no confidence...so in an overall look I think you did a terrific job with them!
Remus was awesome in this chapter. We really get a good look at how nervous he is and how he is feeling. His fear was natural and it felt that way while reading it. I thought that the sorting hat really was perfect when it talked to Remus.
I think you are over worried about how these characters are coming together. You did a great job with all of them. It gets hard when you have a lot of characters that you have to write for, keeping them all in canon or as close to. And you do such a wonderful job that you are really underestimating yourself. You are doing great!
The Sorting Hat's song was brilliant! I loved it and I would have never guessed that you struggled with it. You did such a wonderful and natural job with it. There is NOTHING wrong with this song at all. I wouldn't change it for anything or anyone. I know how hard it can be when you are trying to get things to work and it takes forever, but you really hit this out of the park. Pure brilliance!!
I also want to say thank you. You really did a wonderful job of making this chapter original. I was thinking it was going to be more like it was described in the book where he meets James, Sirius and Peter on the train. You didn't go that route and I am grateful that you didn't because you really were able to make it your own and intrigue the mind of your reader at the same time.
There were a few wording issues and I will point them out to you. I don't have the exact locations from the chapter, but I think you'll be able to find their places. Remember that these are always included with suggested changes. You're the Author and I am just the reader.
When you are describing how the train is stopping you say "screeching breaks" breaks should be brakes. The one you used is the one that describes a vacation or a break from school.
When the first years are following Hagrid to the boats you say, "where the little boats greet them" It would sound better if you used greeted.
When you describe Peter, you say, "He chubby and"
It would work easier if you said something like... He was chubby with.
When you describe the school coming into view you talk about a "bolder." It is the wrong form of the word. It should be boulder. The one you use is the one that would put print in bold.
I don't want you to think for one minute that this takes away from your story at all. These are simple over looked things and we all do this. I am horrible at this too. It is almost like we as the writers can't see it in our own writing, until someone else points it out.
Alright well you keep up the awesome writing! I love this story and can't wait to see what is going to happen next!! =)
Author's Response: No worries, I completely understand you're busy, there is no need to be apologising at all!
I am really RELIEVED that you think I did Severus well. It took about 6 days for this chapter to get any sort of review and I was seriously panicking that I had done the characters wrong. I just tried to get into Snape's mindset. I went with very troubled home-life (Lily makes reference to his parents fighting and Snape himself says his dad doesn't like anything much), then the only light in his life is Lily and he is so used to it being just the two of them, and she represents everything that is good in his life, so in that way he is very possessive of her. I went with this fear of losing her to others, because he is just so used to it being the two of them, that he is fearful when other people start encroaching on their space. So I just tried to write the chapter to reflect that.
Peter caused me a lot of trouble, so I am very glad you liked him. I was going for a kind of Neville character. Peter, like Neville, is very shy, no confidence and is pretty useless when it comes to school work. But the sorting hat saw bravery in Neville (and must have in Peter as well), but it all harps back to what Dumbledore said - it is our choices that show who we really are, far more than our abilities. Neville, in the end, chose to be brave and loyal and good, Peter did not, and that is what I was playing on in this fic.
I'm glad you liked Remus, he is just so easy to write, I just feel like I get him more than the other characters. I'm glad you liked the sorting hat, I sort of played with his fears there, and I just couldn't resist, when you're in a state of panic, you automatically assume the worst, and that's what he did - I know what you are - a werewolf, nope, a Gryffindor!
I know what you mean about me being overly worried (I can't help it!), but I just love HP so much and I just want to do all the characters justice and get them right. I've read so many fics where I recoil away in horror because the characterisation is just so off, and I really don't want anyone to do that when reading my story..
Thanks for the feedback on the Sorting Hat song. I tried my best, I was there with a rhyming dictionary for hours, trying to get it right. I can't do poetry, I just can't, I can admire poetry, just can't write it. So I did as best I could, I know it's not great, there's some awkward lines and the rythmn is off, but it's the best I can do, so thanks for the words of encouragement there. :-)
I'm glad you liked the way I did the train. I was reading "The Prince's Tail" in DH, and Snape and Lily are in a compartment with "rowdy boys", and only James and Sirius are mentioned. Pettigrew and Lupin aren't and I figured if Lupin and Pettigrew were there, Harry would have noticed it, so I then came to the conclusion that the four marauders did not meet on the train, but afterwards. And the way I saw it, Remus would have been a bit too nervous to walk into a "rowdy" compartment and sit down. Then I just figured, Snape and Lily left this compartment in search of another after Snape was insulted, so I figured they would look for a quieter compartment, and there was Remus's empty one. It just all seemed to fit, in my head anyway. I wasn't being original, I just followed canon.
I am so sorry about those typos, they are the type the spell checker in Word can't pick up, because they are spelled correctly, they are just the wrong words. I've fixed them all and thanks for pointing them out, again I feel like a right eejit for not spotting them!
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, you've really put my mind at ease here, I can sleep soundly without worrying too much that I've made of mess of the characters and canon and the whole wizarding world. Thanks again for taking my request and reading and reviewing, it means an awful lot! I will drop by your new thread when the next chapter is up.
Thanks again :)