Hey! So i'm here for your review request. So sorry that it's taken so long but it's been a busy few weeks!
The idea of Snape babysitting is fairly hectic and i couldn't help but laugh at the image in my head of him running after a fire breathing Draco (which isn't too far off the mark ;P ).
This is definitely a different look of this couple and you brought in a completely new characterization of them as well. They seem like this young couple in love and it's rather sweet. Lucius is very different from his canon self and it's a different take on him to write him scared and as if he accidently got in too deep. This happened all the time with some of Voldemort's followers, like Regulus for instance. I've never seen the same thing be for Lucius though. I don't know if you quite pulled it off. There were moments that i really liked and thought you did great showing them at their more innocent stages of life. It reminds me that everyone is just human and that people change. However, i don't think there is much indication in canon of Lucius regretting it or being scared, especially at the beginning when he was still popular and trusted. he believed in this cause of pureblood supremacy, that's why Draco turned out the way he did. For me to believe this, i need to see more motivation and a lead up to that or a hint of how he will begin to actually believe it one day.
One final thing i noticed was that there seemed to be a lot of really flowery, pretty language here that just didn't fit. To me, it felt like you were trying too hard and the wording was really convoluted and i found myself stumbling over all the adjectives you were using. Like dexterous palm for instance and in that one sentence alone i think there was probably 3 or 4 other words used to describe something else and it felt like the meaning and emotion got lost. It's okay to use nice language but a rule of thumb that i use is to make sure what i'm saying and how i'm describing something actually means something to the story. That the mere wording of it expounds the emotion of the piece rather than putting in there because it sounds nice. It just seems out of place and chunky to me, sometimes simpler is better. I think there is a balance between telling a story, like JKR did, and then making the prose elegant and poetic. I hope that makes sense, it's an abstract concept that is a bit hard to pin down.
I'm not certain of the flashback either, but that may just be me and not liking them in the middle of stories in general. I felt like it was a little contrived just to make the story longer. There were parts of it that were nice and i understand why you put it in because it shows that moment, but i feel like there could have been a better way of explaining how he was so brazen. Even if it was never really mentioned what happened on that night would have been fine as when authors leave some stuff out that hint to a bigger story that surrounds your characters can make the story richer. It's like an author secret of sorts.
Thank you for requesting and i hope you found this helpful! I hope you don't take offense to this as i think there are some great things about this story and i think it's great that you're giving a more human voice to Lucius, which we don't normally see. Just practice some more and keep writing them because you havee the beginning of a really lovely writerly voice.
Author's Response: Hey there, thank you for the honest review!
Honestly, in the books/films, we never really see the private conversations Lucius and Narcissa share. Seeing as Lucius really does love his wife, I'm trying to show, in my opinion, that Lucius regretted joining the Death Eaters because of the danger it put his son in. Now he is depicted as an arrogant pureblood, and that is 100% true, but in my fanfic I wanted to show a side of Lucius that could be true, a side of him that he only showed to his wife.
Sorry, I can't help it, but I love showing off with adjectives. Sometimes I tend to make things a bit too complicated, and though you may see it as expounding emotion, I kind of see it as mixing a bunch of different flavors into one sentence. Thank you for the honest opinion though :)
When I started writing this one-shot, I planned to have a flashback in there somewhere. I didn't add it to extend the story, because the one-shot is still quite long without the flashback. Though it may not play to your flavor, I am quite fond of flashbacks. In my opinion, it added more sweet and spice to the romance and let the readers know that Lucius and Narcissa did indeed have a love marriage.
I really do appreciate the honest feedback, and I completely understand where you are coming from. Thanks a ton for your review, I hope to hear again from you :) xx