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Review:AC_rules says:
Hello there! It's AC here reviewing for the improvement challenge. Sorry it's take a little while, there's quite a few reviews to do so I've been feeling quite intimidated by the whole prospect of getting to them, but here we are.

So, I'm pretty sure the only other piece of your writing that I've read was the 'haunted' and I've got to say that I think that style suited you more - that sounds horrible, but I don't mean it in a horrible way whatsoever. I just think that this Humour style is less up your street than the more retrospective style of 'Haunted'.

Okay, so back to focusing as I'm getting slightly sidetracked. Firstly, I love the whole 'Fern' thing. I really appreciate it in real life when these sorts of things just align. I'm real big on words.

Although, fanfiction is quite saturated with authors using stupid names as an introduction to humour/romance novels. It makes sense to introduce your characters first by name, but it's just unfortunate that this sort of things happens so regularly in fanfiction that it's not fresh anymore. I'd say, for this, maybe it would be better to start with talking about the herbology and then deviate into the bit about her name. Or maybe you could shake up the structure slightly? First chapters are vitally important to grip hold of an audience and get the reader involved, so you could always start with a chapter with a mini plot. It might be really interesting to start with a mini bit about these campaigns, for example, then skip to one of the bits of plot and end with the introduction to the characters? Just to make your story stand out.

Okay, just a thing - you use the word 'fab' so many times that I want to throw something at Fern. That's actually not a terrible thing, because I can practically hear her voice so that's practically realistic but, still, the level of repetition is sort of... grating, actually. I definitely think you should keep it as a word she uses regularly, but maybe cut out some of the uses of it. Because she's right, it does make her sound as though she's thirteen a little bit.

The favourite part of the chapter was definitely the end bit - I thought that was a really interesting and intriguing way to end it. A great way to end it and it was so intriguing it exciting and I really liked it.

One thing I've got to say is that a mixture between the formatting and the structure of this was a little off. There's quite wide spacing between each line, which is fine, but it draws attention to how bitty the chapter is. The whole chapter is comprised of one line paragraphs and, although there is nothing wrong with it, as it's in the person person perspective it makes your character feel a little empty headed to me - it just makes me think, really, that there's not much going on in her mind. More description of everything, really, like there is in 'Haunted' would really ground this story and make it a lot richer and more full to read, which I think would really make reading the whole thing more enjoyable.

I have absolutely no idea why Albus is always written as albus so I really want to find out some more about that.

In terms of characterisation, I think that your characters are really quite unique - I like a plant obsessed Albus who likes dissecting and your wandering Fern and all the others that you've introduced us too so I think you should capitalise on your skill at characterisation a little bit more: give us more information about what each character is like. Not necessarily in the beginning bit, but as we go along - show, not tell. Like... I know that Albus and Fern are close because he recognises the fact that she doesn't understand the french, and tells her without her needing to ask - little tibits like that. Just think about what each little moment says about the characters. And then, talk about their expressions and gestures and the tone of their voices as they talk to add an extra level to the characterisation. That will add to the more description, too, and will altogether make the story feel more solid rather than all up in the air.

Another thing to watch is that, although I did vaguely guess that they were at a Herbology school, I thought that you could have made the details of that clearer at the beginning.

Basically, this was a really interesting first chapter that I did enjoy (honestly, as much as a lot of this is constructive criticism, don't think that I didn't enjoy this chapter because I really did), but for the sake of the challenge and improvement I'd say, basically, that you should focus on first not falling into the expected traps in this sort of genre. There are a lot of stories that fit into this category on the archives, and you really want to make yours different and unique and clever. Secondly would be getting deeper into the description of your characters, because you've characterised them brilliantly and I want to know more . And third would be more description, full stop.

So, thank you so very much for entering this challenge and hopefully this review was helpful to you in some way :)

-AC

Author's Response: Wow. Okay, firstly, thankyou so much for the review! I really appreciate it. It must have took you so much effort and time.

I think once I wrote Haunted as well, I realised that too because all of a sudden I'm more comfortable writing in that style. After realising that, I properly planned this whole story. The later chapters, and only a little in the next one, are more dark/angsty/adventurous than humorous. I just feel better with it that way.

Okay, so the reason I used 'fab' and her weird way of saying 'Albus' so much was because this story is based on growing up. That sounds very boring, I know, but I went overboard to make it clear and underline that she's immature.

You're absolutely, one hundred percent, right about description. A lot of people have told me description is my forte, and with that lacking I think I'm not so happy with this story now that you've pointed it out, so I will definitely fix that a lot.

So I wrote this chapter last year, and I hadn't read much fanfiction then, so when I was fixing the plot I realised how stereotypical and common it is. I'm working on fixing it and changing it drastically.

Again, thankyou so so much! :D I'm so glad about all the criticism because it will honestly help me improve this! I hope the next chapter is better.

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