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Review:Moonyxluna says:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

So, I want to tell you right away that this has captured my reader interest because you said it was a Rose/OC - I really love any NOT Scorpius/Rose next-gen pairing stories so I am kind of excited for that :) Especially since it looks - from her diary entry - that she is going to be moving on from fancying Scorpius. It already gives this a bit of originality that 'forbidden love Roseius didn't work! *gasps*'

I think this would benefit from another read through, or a beta. I noticed quite a few awkward phrasings and run on sentences. What really helps for me if a beta doesn't work out is to try reading your sentences out loud to yourself and hear the words that you have written. Where you pause as if it would be another sentence, add a period, or add some breaks in some of those longer thoughts.

For example, this paragraph, I have a few things I want to talk about (italics is your writing): I groaned and put my hand towards my head, that really hurt. I don't think 'that really hurt' is necessary; we get that she's in pain from the groan, so it doesn't really need to be said again. Then something caught my eye the house that is over the way and has been empty for years looked like people were moving in. - This can be broken up into two sentences; try reading it aloud, and note how you pause after eye. How interesting I thought, the windows and doors that had been boarded up for so long had been removed revealing broken window pains. - Alright, so first off, 'pains' should be 'panes' and I think this sentence could use a little sprucing up. the 'how interesting I thought' either needs a comma after interesting, or the 'I thought' could just be deleted and replaced with an ellipsis. I noticed the boxes in the garden, lots of boxes. Maybe someone has finally decided to do something with that place and are moving in. Ending this paragraph just with a question :) is this the Lovegood's old house? I like the idea that you included that little part!

we are still scrubbing the kitchen clean without magic - okay, so this is just something nit-picky, but how old are they? If cleaning without magic is the punishment, are they all old enough to use magic? *shrugs* just the phrasing to think about.

I think you've got a good, fun set of the Weasley and Potter family mixed in here. I do love seeing Fred and James in their mischievous ways, but you really told me a lot here. I get it, I know that James is the child of Harry and Ginny, and Fred is the child of George and Angelina. I feel like those few descriptive paragraphs were a tad overplayed. Instead, try working some of those descriptions into the dialogue/monologue, so it doesn't take away from what's going on in the moment. Maybe talk about Fred shaking flour out of his reddish hair, or James wiping cake batter off of his 'favorite Quidditch team' shirt; include facts about them when we need to know the facts, if that makes sense?

Phoebe; alright, so I guess I was a little confused by her entrance. Rose's best friend since they were five, how did she get into the scene. I get it that she scared Rose, but maybe add a sentence explaining how Dominique helped her in, or if she was there, explain why she wasn't hanging out with Rose outside in the first place.

Other than that I did like her character a lot. I thought the dialogue about the boy having a child was fun, and I am interested to see how that will effect an eventual relationship with Rose. (hopefully!) That's quite the situation to get into, so I would like to see more of how that will effect things. Definitely take a look at your punctuation, adding in those necessary commas and periods can make a world of difference in making things easier on the reader. Good work, and I hope this review was helpful! feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted!

-Julie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I will deffinatly be re-requesting for the next chapter.

I love Rose/Scorpius but I thought it would be better if she just had a crush on him - a crush that wouldn't turn into anything more.

I will be re-reading it and going over things, that you pointed out. Thank you so much :D
-Potterfan310


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