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Review:CambAngst says:
Hi, Roxy! First off, thanks so much for helping Gryffindor to capture the House Cup! Here is your review.

This chapter was on the long side and it definitely covered a lot of ground. Coming into it, I was somewhat worried that I'd have a hard time being helpful to you, since I haven't read your WIP novel that it's related to. I was pleasantly surprised, however, to find that it was able to follow pretty much everything. I really love stories that show Sirius at the happy times in his life, because we all know how much sadness he endured between the day when James and Lily were killed and the day when he was finally reunited with Harry.

I thought that both of your two main characters were vivid and engaging. I found them easy to connect with, even though I didn't know anything about Saleena's background. You dedicated a lot of words to exploring their thoughts and feelings on the events you were describing, which is always a good investment. You gave us a really good idea of what motivates each of them: their desires and their fears

I found the concept of the gypsies as a separate and distinct group within the magical world really interesting and I can definitely see how you could build a very long, complex story around that. The idea that they would be mistrusted by wizards and ultimately hunted by the Ministry is easy to get my head around. Real-life gypsies have also been persecuted for much of their history. I liked the various rules and legacies that you constructed for them, as well as the magical abilities. It seems like a great edifice to construct a story on. It's also an idea that I've never seen before in HP fan fic, which is a definite plus. Honestly, I'm more than a little burned out on fairies and vampires. ;)

The unconditional love and acceptance that Sirius offers to Lee seem to be the thing that she desires most in the world, so it's easy to understand why taking their friendship to a different level would be both thrilling and terrifying to her. The way that Sirius assuages her concerns and ultimately wins her over was cleverly done. You simply don't think of Sirius Black as a guy who gets the girl by first visiting the library!

As far as constructive criticism, I don't think I can offer very much on the substance of this. You've put together a very compelling story, and without knowing more about the larger world of your novel I can't really tell you whether this is pitch-perfect and consistent. Your writing was very nice in terms of the way that you mixed up dialog and narrative and I liked the technique of switching the narrative voice back and forth. I do think this could use another good scrub for typos and spelling errors. I saw a few of them as I was reading.

So overall, I think you did a good job with this. You're clearly a talented writer and I'm surprised that you're having difficulty attracting reviews with a story of this caliber. Hope this was helpful!

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