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Review:JChrissy says:
Hello! Here for your review! Its JChrissy from the Forums, for some reason my account will not stay logged in while trying to leave you this review. So Ill just write my name in the name box ;).

So, I review one chapter at a time, if you would like me to do the second please feel free to re-request and so forth :). I will point out any errors first, then move on to my opinions and such :).

-You have them apparating, but apparting great distance, like country to country, is supposed to be very difficult. Considering you also have a child, someone would need to perform side along apparation, and thats pretty unrealistic even in JKR world. I would suggest changing their arrival to one by portkey :),

-Im just curious as to why you have the daughter pink eyes. Thats not a natural eye color, is she a Metamorphmagus? If not, I would suggest changing her eye color to one that is possible for humans.

-bulky man whos sharp nose - Whos should be whose. Whos is used for who has, who is those kinds of things.

-just like Estelle, this should be followed with a period since you are starting a new paragraph and not using a dialogue tag.

-centuries; We - this should be a lowercase

-top of it., smiling - you need to delete one of the punctuation marks here

--

Okay, now onto the review part!


I think you have a very interesting idea here, and you give a good amount of imagery as well as give us a chance to get to know your characters quite well. I think young Sirius was absolutely adorable, as well as Regulus. You really made me excited to learn more about them and see where this is going!

I think this could benefit from a quick edit, just to weed some of those erros out. Also, some of yours descriptions seem a bit forced - not many. I think if you read this first chapter out loud youll spot the ones that do!

Thanks for requesting, I hope this was helpful and you are welcome to re-request for the next few chapters!!

Thanks!

Jami

Author's Response: Hi there!

I never thought about that apparition thing in that light before, actually! Thanks for pointing that out!

& the girl's eyes are actually blue :s I'll read through it again just to make sure haha!

Thanks for all these corrections! I didn't do it on Word so i was unaware of all these mistakes, so thank you for pointing them out!!

I'm really excited to portray Sirius and Regulus when they're older actually :D So thank you for liking the way they're conveyed now!

Again, thank you so much for leaving a review!!


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