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Review:Moonyxluna says:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

As I'm sure you probably know, the first sentence of a story is very important. I think yours was a little awkwardly worded. I think instead of saying 'French purebloods' I think it would sound a little smoother if you used their last name, and then went on to describe them as French purebloods. If you do edit, try to move around a few of those words and see if you can find something that flows a little smoother :)

I really enjoyed the interactions that her family had with the house elf. I think they were very familiar to the way an old pureblood family would treat 'inferior creatures' such as house elves, and I think it was well written.

He had a thick black moustache which twitched slightly in the cold. - I thought this was a fantastic line. It caught me off guard with the more serious tone of the rest of it and I thought it was funny :p

eyeing him with a certain niceness - I think you should replace the word 'niceness' with a different word. Maybe humble? (so it would say: she eyed him with a humble smile, or something along those lines) I understand the look you are trying to have her give but I don't think niceness conveys that. Of course, that's up to you :)

I really liked the mannerisms you gave Sirius and Regulus to show the differences in their attitudes towards their parents, especially at such a young age. I think at this point of the story is where my 'reader interest' really caught; It seems 'in character' of pureblood families like this to force introduce their children at such a young age to get them set up to marry in order to save the bloodlines. It makes me particularly interested to see how Sirius will act around her as he grows up.

So, I don't know any French either, but I'd highly suggest not using google translator for your story. I know it tends to slaughter things. I don't know of any offhand, but I'm sure there are people on the forums that speak it and wouldn't mind helping you translate a few sentences if you asked nicely.

Again, the reader interest is definitely there. I'd love to read more of this, so feel free to re-request for the next chapter :) I hope the things I pointed out help you a little bit, but overall this was a very intriguing start to your story!

Author's Response: Hi! Sorry for taking so long to reply!

& Yes, I agree! I think it was something that bothered me from the very beginning but I didn't know what to do with it, so thanks for pointing that out! :)

Yeah, well since it's a Sirius/OC/Regulus ship then there's obviously going to be an attraction there but I really don't know either as of now! :P Haha!

I'll certainly try asking the people on the forums so thanks for suggesting that!

Thank you so much for taking your time to review this story! It really means a lot to me!


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