Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Moonyxluna says:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

As I'm sure you probably know, the first sentence of a story is very important. I think yours was a little awkwardly worded. I think instead of saying 'French purebloods' I think it would sound a little smoother if you used their last name, and then went on to describe them as French purebloods. If you do edit, try to move around a few of those words and see if you can find something that flows a little smoother :)

I really enjoyed the interactions that her family had with the house elf. I think they were very familiar to the way an old pureblood family would treat 'inferior creatures' such as house elves, and I think it was well written.

He had a thick black moustache which twitched slightly in the cold. - I thought this was a fantastic line. It caught me off guard with the more serious tone of the rest of it and I thought it was funny :p

eyeing him with a certain niceness - I think you should replace the word 'niceness' with a different word. Maybe humble? (so it would say: she eyed him with a humble smile, or something along those lines) I understand the look you are trying to have her give but I don't think niceness conveys that. Of course, that's up to you :)

I really liked the mannerisms you gave Sirius and Regulus to show the differences in their attitudes towards their parents, especially at such a young age. I think at this point of the story is where my 'reader interest' really caught; It seems 'in character' of pureblood families like this to force introduce their children at such a young age to get them set up to marry in order to save the bloodlines. It makes me particularly interested to see how Sirius will act around her as he grows up.

So, I don't know any French either, but I'd highly suggest not using google translator for your story. I know it tends to slaughter things. I don't know of any offhand, but I'm sure there are people on the forums that speak it and wouldn't mind helping you translate a few sentences if you asked nicely.

Again, the reader interest is definitely there. I'd love to read more of this, so feel free to re-request for the next chapter :) I hope the things I pointed out help you a little bit, but overall this was a very intriguing start to your story!

Author's Response: Hi! Sorry for taking so long to reply!

& Yes, I agree! I think it was something that bothered me from the very beginning but I didn't know what to do with it, so thanks for pointing that out! :)

Yeah, well since it's a Sirius/OC/Regulus ship then there's obviously going to be an attraction there but I really don't know either as of now! :P Haha!

I'll certainly try asking the people on the forums so thanks for suggesting that!

Thank you so much for taking your time to review this story! It really means a lot to me!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net