Hey Cal! I'm here with your review, and I have a feeling this one's going to be extra-long...fun, right? I enjoyed reading this chapter, and getting a look into that night we've heard so much about :)
You mentioned being concerned about the flow, but honestly I think this chapter was fine in that area. The scene breaks didn't feel too abrupt, and it read very smoothly despite all the changes in focus. Fine job there :)
Now, on to characterization! My favorite part! I have thoughts on just about everyone, so I'll just go down the list.
Harry and Ginny: so precious. I was so mad at them for the first half of this story because their communication was so bad, but itís great to see them putting those issues behind them. I loved the romantic gestures from Harry; they werenít too cheesy or over the top, but they were still so sweet. It made me smile :) And Iíll be interested to see what he comes up with about the time-turner magic. They made a strong opening scene.
Sirius: I know youíre concerned about Sirius discovering Harryís identity, and whether or not it's realistic. Honestly, I think it's pretty believable so far. He doesnít jump to the conclusion all at once, which is good. Instead, he questions himself and acknowledges how crazy it all seems, which makes the whole situation feel more real.
I loved his scene with Snape (their back-and-forth was so spot on), but the one at the end with James felt just a bit off to me. I was suprised to see Sirius humble himself so quickly; he doesn't seem like the type to easily admit he's wrong.
Lily: I liked her thoughts about Snape, and the scene where they talked. She's still bitter about the whole situation between them, which I think is probably appropriate. But I was hoping to see more concern from her. Even while she's contemplating what could happen to Snape at the shack, she just seems kind of indifferent about it, which doesn't seem like the Lily Evans I've come to know in this story.
I LOVED her scene with James after he gets back from the shack, though! It was a great step forward in their relationship. Like Harry at the beginning, I like that you kept her gestures simple and understated. No sudden declarations of love or anything; she just makes a peace offering by fixing his cut. I loved it. And the hand-holding made me smile too :)
James: I like his narration a lot in this chapter. His voice is really distinctive, mainly because of his constant little insults toward Snape. (Stinky Pants and such, it made me giggle.) Actually, I thought you really hit the mark with him throughout this whole chapter. The shack scene was great (I especially liked your description of him changing into the stag), and I liked seeing him step up to the plate and do the right thing. The scene with Dumbledore makes it clear that his feelings about Snape haven't changed, though, which I think is important to show. You did an awesome job with him!
And the last scene! I loved Jamesí moment of clarity there. ďI think itís about time we start growing up.Ē Just an awesome moment for him; I felt like I was catching a glimpse of the mature person Lily will eventually fall in love with.
This is wierd. You're making me LIKE James Potter! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?
But I mean, I guess i'll get over it :)
I didn't see anything glaring dialogue-wise, and there were a lot of lines that I actually loved. My favorite came from James: "As much as I would love to give you that kind of help, I'm a bit distracted right now." Too funny ! There were a few little errors here and there (things like spacing between words and little punctuation issues), but I think you could easily fix them with another read-through :)
Phew! Finally done! I really liked this one, and I can't wait to see where you go next! PM me if you want, as always, and be sure to let me know when you update!
Author's Response: I LOVE YOU MAGGIE!! Seriously, YOU'RE THE BEST AND I LOVE YOU A LOT! :D
This review couldn't have come at a better day! I was having a pretty bad day so coming back to this review, it was the best thing ever! And I'm sorry I took long to respond; I've already read this review about ten times; I love it that much!
Phew *wipes brow* I really was nervous about the flow of this chapter. I'd changed focus before but this one had a lot of changes in PoV so I was kinda worried whether it would work or not, I'm happy that you thought it did!
I agree with you about Harry and Ginny not being too cheesy. I always see them like that, sweet and romantic but not overly so. So I'm glad that you think the same too. I had fun writing that scene, it made me smile too when I read it again. :)
Sirius! Ah, sometimes, he's very easy to write and then sometimes he's hard to write. Hahah, I had SO much fun writing his conversationg with Snape! I knew that it was something that could have happened in real. And I agree about his characterisation being slightly faulty at the end scene with James. I knew there was something off about it so thanks for pointing it out!
Lily: More concern from her, okay, noted. :) I didn't really realise that I'd overlooked her concern for Snape. I was too excited to shift to James' PoV so I kinda really didn't pay attention to Lily's. Hehe. I'll be more careful with that in the future.
AHH THAT SCENE! I LOVED WRITING THAT! And I'm SO happy that you loved it too. Hahaha, it was SO MUCH FUN.
You make me tear up. I seriously feel tears in my eyes right now. YOU LIKE JAMES NOW. YES! It took me a lot of time to get his point of view right and to get in his head. It's weird; it really isn't a problem but with James in this chapter, I felt like I HAD to get it perfect. I'm SO GLAD that I achieved something close to that. I loved writing him too much here. I love that you loved it too :D
Hahahaha! I'm not sorry at all! :P I'm very excited to see your feelings change for James. That's what I wanted! Can't believe it working! :P
LOL, that dialogue. This is stupid but I laughed at it for a full five minutes when it came to my mind. It was VERY funny in my head :P
THANK YOU SO MUCH MAGGIE! YOU'RE THE MOST AMAZING PERSON EVER AND I CAN'T EVER THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR ALL YOUR HELP!
I LOVE YOU!