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Review:Voldy Needs a Hug says:
Overall, I wanted to say good job! This chapter was more interesting than the last and, in my opinion, better written.

I had a brief moment of confusion regarding this phrase: "Of course quiet can be used in normal houses." The word "used" doesn't make sense in this context.

Additionally, it seems extremely juvenile for James' entire family, including his parents, to ignore him. Ignoring someone is a not-so-effective tactic used be 7-year-olds. I understand that they're seeking revenge on James, but you might want to consider revising how they seek revenge.

This sentence seemed a bit repetitive and unnecessary: "After that bit of fun I had when Uncle Ron’s family came over for dinner that night, my family decided that they’d all ignore me." I believe the reader is already aware that James was being ignored by his family, however childish the action may seem.

I believe the reference to the word "stealth" was misused. Stealth doesn't exactly give anyone better hearing, and, therefore, didn't make sense in that sentence.

I also think you focused too long on the fact that both of James' parents had taught him to play Quidditch. I believe you discussed it for three or four sentences. One would have been sufficient.

In your author's note, did you mean to say that your fuse just burned?

With regards to characterization, you have done an excellent job of further evolving James' character. He seems to have the mind of a small child, though.

Your plot is moving along a bit slowly, but it is definitely there. Hopefully, we will see more of it come through in the next chapter.

Good job!

Author's Response: Well first of all, thank you.

The point wasn't for them to seek revenge on James... it was just a way to avoid any further problems. I guess I can see where you're coming from though. Thanks for the pointers!

-Marissa


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