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Review:academica says:
Looks like I'm back to see you again! :)

This story is definitely creative - I like the idea of Helena living in the castle under her mother's watchful eye and the Baron coming to keep her company. I like both their characterizations - the emotions seemed a little on the extreme side, in terms of their intensity and frequent shifts, but I like the awkward way in which they interact.

My major critique here would be the style - it felt a little like you dumped a lot of detail on me in conversation, like the history of the Founders and the story of how Quidditch came to be so named. Aside from feeling like Helena might know some of that information just by virtue of being a Founder's daughter, the flow of it seemed a little disjointed to me. I think this chapter might benefit from being edited to include some more description (for example, does Helena change sitting positions at all during this conversation?) and adding in a splash or two of 'he said' and 'she said' and the like, just to keep things as clear as possible. I'd also recommend that you try to work on 'showing' the reader background information instead of 'telling it' - for example, instead of having the Baron tell Helena all that stuff about Quidditch, you could have opened up the next chapter by having Helena ask her mother about the game, and having Rowena tell her how the name has changed over time. This is a tough skill to master, but I've found that it improves the flow and clarity of the story.

Overall, I think this is a good start, and as someone with a Helena/Baron story, I actively encourage you to continue writing them and bringing much-needed exposure to their fascinating story. Nice work on this initial chapter!


Author's Response: As always, thank you for all the advice and pointing outs. You're an angel.

Yeah I need to do some drastic editing. I'm on the process of editing all my stories and I'm keeping this for last because this needs the most attention. I know, I've been very unaesthetic in giving out the information so I need to redo that a lot. Thank you for all the advice love I'll definitely attend to all of the ones you've pointed out.

Thank you so much.


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