Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:ChaosWednesday says:
Hey, Whiskey here with your review (sorry it took me so long)

First off, I like the idea! Magic is a tricky thing and no institution, not even Hogwarts, can keep everything under control. There are bound to be a few witches and wizards who are left to fend for themselves with powers they can't understand and with no one there to teach them. Scary and exciting!

As to style, I must say the story reads well so far! Very crisp and fast-pased narration :)
Just a few things that stood out, though:
1) You get slightly repetitive in your description of Daphne's difficulties as a child. I would advise to shorten that bit of the chapter, rephrase some part or just add more examples.
2) I noticed a few typos and lacking commas. I like commas (maybe too much), so I just have to point these things out! It's no big deal, though, and easy to fix if you just carefully proof-read the chapter ;)

In terms of content, I noticed only one major thing: Characterization. Daphne is a social outsider, which makes it particularly important for us to know more about her character, since we have no social conventions to guide our inderstanding of how she is. How does she dress? How does she feel about the people around her? What are her interests (besides psychology)? I know its just the first chapter, but since this is a first-person narration, its important to evoke sympathy or interest for the character as quickly as possible. So far I find Daphne difficult to picture.

I hope this didn't seem too critical, since I actually quite like the story so far :)

off to the next chapter!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 538
Submit Report: