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Review:Moonyxluna says:
Hi! I'm finally (been out of town :p) here with your requested review :)

I think you've got a really strong start here. You seem like you have a really great idea for this and I am interested to see where it progresses.

You asked about characterization in your request. Finn definitely has a strong personality, and while it is good and original, I guess I'm not quite sure if it's too much here. Her language works with her strong personality but it gets a little distracting after a while. I felt like you have a really great idea for her personality, but let us learn things as they come along, if that makes sense? Some of the tangents that she goes off on may get distracting if they don't play a part in the current conversation she's having. I do think itís great how thorough of an understanding of her character you seem to have, though :)

I thought the flow of this was spot on. We didn't spend too much or too little time in one place, and I really enjoyed the length of the chapter because it gave me a great opportunity to learn about the characters without it ending too quickly. The only thing I can think for that is to work on your surrounding descriptions to give the reader a great idea of what is going on in that particular scene of the chapter. Talk about how busy the pub is, how they have to sneak around to get to the cellar of Honeydukes, and how they make a beeline to the door. Little things like that will create more of a scene and add to the picture you're working on.

The Justin Beiber reference. For one thing I don't think that would even be allowed because he's a real living person and ToS says that's not supposed to be accepted. But the math is what really bothers me. If this is set in Lily Potter's 7th year that would make Justin Beiber 32 years old. I just can't see him having that tweenage heartthrob hair flip at that age ;) So maybe re-think that pop culture reference.

From the summary I am interested to see how you plan on having her go from checking out other girls with Louis to eventually falling for him. I am looking forward to seeing how things play out so feel free to re-request when you get chapter 2 posted :)


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