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Review:Roots in Water says:
It's Roots in Water here with your review!

A response to the first task! I haven't read as many of them as I'd like... Anyway, I know that some of the prompts were difficult to fit together but I think that you did a really good job of including them in a manner that made it seem as though they fit in the story.

I think that you did a great job with Neville's characterization in this story. The short interaction with Harry at the train station reminded us of the loyalty he showed right from the first book. Furthermore, I found his thoughts about his father in this chapter very interesting because, though I can't say that Neville was ashamed of his father in the books, he was rarely mentioned. It was great to see him accepting his father and gaining the courage (or the seeds of it, at least) that will lead him to do great things.

However, as great a touch as the his father's letter is, I found the wording of it a little odd because it made his father come across as young and naive instead of the more mature Auror I had pictured him to be. In particular, the phrase "like I said" made him seem young and made it seem as though he was speaking instead of writing a letter. I think that the impression of the letter would change if you changed the wording of "like I said" to something like "As I mentioned earlier" or "As I wrote before". However, this is entirely based on my impression of Frank being a mature Auror and if you think of him as a younger, less mature person then your letter works perfectly for your characterization!

I liked how you didn't just go straight to Neville's reading of the letter and took the time to build up his thoughts on his father and his interactions with his letter. As well, I liked your interpretation of "features a dragon"- it helped to give a clear picture of the change in Neville. It's an interesting idea, seeing him as a dragon, because they're fierce and dangerous creatures.

As well, I found the phrase "slit his eardrums" to be an interesting expression because there was no noise in the station. It gave a distinct impression of the type of silence that was present but I wonder if "slit" is the best word to use... Would "broke" work better, since silence can be an oppressive thing?

This is also a small thing, but I found the wording of the phrase "she stuffed the trunk into the backseat" a little odd because I found it difficult to imagine Neville's proper and strict grandmother "stuffing" something into the back of the car. I would replace "stuffed" with "placed" to give a different impression of her action. However, you did a great job with your portrayal of her protective and fierce nature. As well, with the phrase "who've defiled the Dark Lord twice" I think you meant "defied", not "defiled".

All in all, I think that you did a great job with this story. It developed an important aspect of Neville's personality in a very interesting manner. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!

Author's Response: I don't know why people keep up reading it as a letter :( Did I make it sound like one? I'm so sorry. It's a diary entry. So it was more like he's talking. And I was going along the locked-up-for-a-year lines, you know, trapped, pouring out everything he felt. And yeah defied. This is still being Beta'd :)

Thanks for the lovely constructive review. It's nice to hear pinpointed mistakes. Easy to improve you know. So thank you so so very much.

And yeah your comments are very helpful. I'll work on all those bits :)


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