|Review:||Indigo Seas says:|
Hoo boy. Where to begin. So much I want to say, and I'm kind of just a little melted mess over here, so I'll try and organize myself so I'm at least a little bit coherent.
I thought this developed beautifully. And I mean it when I say that: beautifully. There is usually much planning that goes into stories that are as fluid as this one, but you said earlier that this was a stream of consciousness, which I could see too. Either way, everything unfolded really gorgeously, and I was especially impressed at your seemingly effortless flow.
Now, you said you didn't mind some criticism, so I'm going to allow myself to nitpick at just two little things. The first is this: I love your first paragraph, but I feel like your second line packs more of a punch than your first. Just read that over, for a second: I am not saved. You say it later, too, so it's a reoccurring little phrase. I think it is so much more powerful than the first line, it kind of demolishes the first upon reading it. Now, this is not to say that I think your first line is terrible, because it isn't; I just think that the second line would act better as a first line. I mean, it's a gorgeous line! "I am not saved." Gah.
Your description is just to die for. I know you hadn't written anything quite recently before this one, and I just cannot believe that you can write like that after coming back after months/years without writing anything. And the lines in italics really accentuate the description, too, because they include lovely lines of it. I absolutely adore the image of dewy daffodils and dust particles just floating in the air.
Now, the second piece of nitpick is this: when Rose enters the astronomy tower, you note that she falls to her knees. I can see that you were trying (or maybe not trying, and it just happens) to make it dramatic; you know, knees hitting stone and her falling completely and everything. I get that. I really understand the impact of that. That being said, I would replace it with an action that is not featured in a lot of other stories. Falling to your knees has begun to be a little... overused. I wouldn't call it a cliche just yet, but it's beginning to become that. Maybe melodramatic is a better word. Now, this could just be because I read a lot, and a lot of other people -like- the falling to the knees bit (and maybe you do too, in which case you are totally welcome to ignore me) and think it's powerful and such. But to me, that's the problem: people recognize it as being emotional, dramatic. I would recommend replacing it with something less used, but still equally dramatic. Like... skinning her calves on the stone while she collapses onto her thighs. Or... just wilting against the wall. You can still tell that she's feeling desolate, but without the description that I find to be overused.
Notice that I only have two little things that irked me: I really, really loved this. Anyway, moving on...
I absolutely adore (did I already use that phrase? I can't remember...) the friendship and connection between your characters. They are very human, and I think this has many factors that contribute to this: the way they talk to each other, the way they behave in the other's presence, etc. They are so very natural, and I LOVE that. It's really hard to find stories sometimes that I have actual, human dialogue, or relationships that are natural. I just love that your two main characters act like, you know, human beings.
And gah! You are so vague. I love that. Love, love, love that. Because I can still kind of understand what's going on, but you don't need to spell anything out for me. Love.
So, I totally went overboard with this review. I apologize. There was just so much I needed to squee about! Gah! Anyway... I'm going to go amble off now, and finally leave you alone. :P
Author's Response: Hello Rin, darling! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
Oh, too much compliment-y goodness! You know, I honestly don't know how I do it. I just start writing and it's really sort of mindless - I finish a piece (it's always been this way) and I'm like, woah, where did that come from? I'm really glad you liked how it unfolded. As you know, I didn't plan it, so what's on the page is very organic.
Of course I don't mind criticism! That's the only way that I'm going to continue to grow as a writer, honest CC that gives me insight into my writing from the reader's perspective. You know, I've had one other reviewer mention that. It's definitely something to look at, that's for sure. If you can remember from years ago when I used to ask you to review /everything/ of mine, I don't edit my stream of consciousness - perhaps it's time to break that tradition, eh? Thanks for pointing that out!
I'm so over the moon that you like my description. I think it's my strongest point and I just really love to write it, you know? It comes so naturally.
Oh my goodness, I didn't think of that! I suppose I'm one of those people who likes the description of falling to the knees (only when it's really pertinent, of course). I've never thought of it becoming cliche, but then again, it's the most obvious kind of description, isn't it? And that's one thing I don't like, that's for sure. I like unique - thank you for pointing that out! It definitely looks like I need to break the tradition of not editing these SoC pieces and do some minor alterations!
I'm really glad you liked their friendship. I suppose that unconsciously, I used me and my best friend's relationship as a basis. It's very natural and real - yes, that's probably where that came from. I've always had a problem with dialogue because of the Southern-ness, so I'm glad it seemed very human.
Oh, yet another person that loves the brilliancy of vagueness! That makes my heart happy! So many readers want everything spelled out for them. Ilia used to tell me ages and ages ago to give readers something to work for and I guess it's so ingrained in me now that it's a part of my writing vibe.
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I super appreciate it and I do hope you enjoyed it! :)