|Review:||Roots in Water says:|
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
You certainly started off in a very interesting manner! The various thoughts that Remus had makes it seem as though something tragic had happened (am I right in supposing that it's the death of Lily and James?).
It also immediately gave me an impression of Remus as an more academically inclined, quiet and calm person. However, the thoughts seemed a little random, as though Remus was jumping from topic to topic too quickly. I think that this "jumping" effect could be eliminated if you included a few more details about the events he's referring to, so that we can see the leaps in his thoughts, but I understand that perhaps you went for a more mysterious air with the prologue.
The difference between the Remus you showed us in the prologue and the Remus you wrote in this chapter is large and you can definitely see the difference in his maturity levels and experiences. You did a great job in showing the starting and ending (I presume) Remuses and it will be interesting to see how you develop Remus into becoming the world-weary and guilt-feeling Remus in the prologue.
As for your other characters, you definitely made some interesting choices. I don't think I've ever seen Lily portrayed as a Quidditch player before and I think that it will be interesting to see how this affects her relationship with James, since they're both on the same team and he's captain. As well, she obviously knows Remus well, since he counts her among his best friends. However, I'd be careful with all of the characteristics you give to her- you want to make her seem realistic and true to life, not a stereotype. For instance, I found her violence a little over-the-top- I don't think anyone could just hit someone repeatedly with a textbook; it's actually a harsh act.
However, your James and Sirius are great, though I would once again stay away from the stereotypes. Try and deepen their characters as you go through the story instead of leaving Sirius as a "hot" male who goes after just about every female.
A small thing I noticed: you wrote "Her curtain of long, red hair" even though Lily's hair was at the time still pink.
I was surprised to read that Severus and Lily were dating- it certainly is an interesting twist. I assume that your plot is centered around the lives of the Marauders and the story of how Lily and James got together? If so, you're setting yourself up for a very interesting story. I wonder how you're going to get Lily away from Severus.
This is just a small thing that I noticed, which is really more of an opinion. With the sentence "That would be two of my best friends attempting to decapitate one another" I think it would sound better if you said "that would be the sound of my..." since you hadn't previously given a physical description, only a sound. However, it's a small thing and the rest of your story flowed very well. I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes. Your habit of using the asterisks and a quick flashback is very interesting.
The only other thing that I would recommend is to increase the amount of description you include in your writing. Though you're off to a good start, there were some moments that I felt were lacking in description. For instance, I don't think that you ever actually said where the majority of the chapter took place, though I'm assuming it was in the Gryffindor common room.
All in all, your story is off to a very interesting start with a set of fun characters. You have some great ideas! Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful.
Author's Response: First of all, thank you for the review! I won't reveal if your prediction is correct regarding the cause of Remus' anguish, but I will say that he was lamenting the loss of three individuals.
I was aiming for a bit of a mysterious air with the prologue. To address the thoughts jumping from one topic to the next, I was trying to capture the thoughts racing through the head of someone who had just lost everything. Most likely, the thoughts would not be organized and collected.
I'm glad to see you enjoyed the two different Remuses. I was definitely aiming to express a distinction between the two as a method of foreshadowing, which, evidently, has proven to be effective.
Thank you again,
Voldy Needs a Hug