|Review:||Roots in Water says:|
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
I think that you did a great job with your story! Penelope Clearwater isn't a character most people write stories around and she certainly didn't play a major role in the books but you did a great job of making her more life-like.
You characterized her as a lonely person, scared and insecure, which I think suits her. Not everyone is brave in the face of danger and I don't think Percy would have fallen for a girl who was as bold and confident as his risk-taking brothers.
As well, I liked how you got these elements of her characterization across in the story. The idea that she will just be a name on a memorial someday is very good and the concept that she just accepts that she will only be a name shows a lot about her mentality at this point in her life.
As for how you built the story up, I think that you did a great job with it. The penny memory you wrote at the beginning did a great job of introducing Penny's mindset about her life and, through this, introducing the situation.
However, I was a little surprised that the Death Eater (at least I presume that it was a Death Eater that killed her) used such a slow method to kill her, without ensuring that she couldn't fight back. I would have thought that, in the heat of the battle, a quick method of defeating your enemies would be the preferred method of fighting. It did, however, allow time for Penelope to realize that she was dying and take those photos.
Overall, your word use and grammar was great. I did notice, though, a few small things. First of all, with "Perhaps she realise that people" it should be "will realise" due to the tense and purpose of the sentence. As well, with "not to weave through all the dead" I would delete the "not" - it makes it sound as though there is no dead to weave through (though this is more like a personal opinion).
I really liked how you used Percy's point of view to bring another perspective to the story. I always love it when authors use repetition well and you did a great job with the "perhaps one day..." idea.
The article at the end was a nice touch but I found the list of the dead you used a little odd. Was there any particular reason that you chose to single out the dead that you did? I doubt that, with the current racial problems in the Wizarding world, that they would have chosen to highlight the death of a house elf instead of another witch or wizard. However, that's just my opinion. :)
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this story, especially for it being your first try at angst. Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful, and that I managed to comment on everything in your "Areas of Concern" section!
Author's Response: thank you so much for taking the time to review my story! You definitely covered everything I asked you to, and you've been so, so helpful! Thank you for catching those typos- I can never quite get them all. The list of dead was a bit random, to be honest, and I never really thought about the use of an elf. However, now you mention it, it's certainly something to think about, and I might well edit it. I do have a reason for Penelope's death, however- (other than it helping the plot :D) If you look at the Death Eaters, they're generally quite sadistic, take Bellatrix Lestrange as an example, and I imagine using a curse such as that would probably seem like something enjoyable to do, for them.
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to review my story, it was a wonderful review!