Hi! I'm here with your new requested review!
I think I still like the narration; it has this cryptic tone to it that I rather like. Nonetheless, I don't necessarily see why you have to italicise it. Why not just go on with it through out the chapter, offering the narrator's thoughts on everything that's happening? This is not critique; I'm only trying to understand why you're doing it this way.
I'll first talk about the characters and if they seem to fit the ages you've mentioned in the request. Which reminds me, I don't think you've mentioned how old Fred and George are here; if you hadn't told me in the request, I wouldn't have been able to tell.
Anyway, I like the twins so far and I think you portray them in a very canon manner. The part where they think that something has happened to Morgan reminded me a lot of the scene from the GoF movie after they had taken the Aging Potion.
You've also introduced us to new sides of Morgan, ones she didn't know she possessed, which was great. Nonetheless, like I had told you in the previous review, we need to know more about her physical appearance.
As for dialogue, the conversations seemed to be great and went on quite naturally. Nonetheless, at certain points, especially in the scene where Morgan was pranking the twins, I felt that description was necessary. We don't only need to know what the twins said, but we need to know how they said it, what they were doing while they said it, or maybe their facial expressions. Also, in the part where she began to bleed, she surely didn't just scream. Did she drop something on the ground at that moment, did she start to shake in fear, did she stand up in shock, was she feeling numb? You said that she was hysterical, but you didn't really show us that.
On the other hand, I like how smart Morgan is, how she quickly sought revenge from the twins, and how she, too, had her own inventions and personal toys.
Despite everything, this was such a thrilling chapter and how the plot is moving along so far keeps things very interesting! I hope I didn't come off as overly critical... Keep on writing and good luck with the rest of the story.
Author's Response: thank you for another great review! Critical is what I need, so don't worry :)
Now that you mention it, I guess it is not at all obvious that Morgan is in the same year as the Harry and co... I will try to go back and explain that somewhere.
I am also not too happy about the use of itallics, but I tried removing them all together and decided that it made the text more boring, although it did flow better. The itallics imply a change of voice and subjectivity, which is why I've been trying to keep them. But I might take your advice and let the narrators comments be more intertwined with the story, since it is probably the safer option.
I must admit I spent ages on the part when Morgan starts to bleed and did not know how to make the pace change in a way that would reflect her shock. You are right though, description seems to be lacking, I'll see what I can do! Thank you for pointing these things out, it has confirmed my own suspicions ;)
I am glad that you find the story interesting so far! I've been trying very hard to add suspence and stay consistent with the style of the first chapter!
Thank you again for reviewing, I'll incorporate the suggestions as soon as I'm done with ch. 4!