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Review:palespirit says:
This isn't the best or the worst thing I've ever read, though it is on the lower end of that scale. You should describe a LOT more, maybe try some of the writing guides HPFF has, and also try getting a beta reader (If you don't know, they look over and edit your work for any mistakes you might have missed before you post it)- I'd be happy to do that if you can't find anyone else. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings (I'm just trying to help, really).
It's a good try for a first story, it really is.
Good luck writing!

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