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Review:heart_of_a_slytherin says:
Okay so I think your plot is good but slightly cliched although I don't know where you will take this. In your second paragraph you have a run on sentence "Hermione was still dating Ron and knew that he was contemplating marriage, but she didnít want him like she used to, she no longer loved him like she used to, finding out about her parents death had changed her completely, she had lost weight from depression, her eyes no longer had a spark in them and she had many sleepless nights filled with grief and nightmares." You should separate it to make your writing flow easily such as: Hermione was still dating Ron, who she knew was considering marriage, but since she no longer loved him, she wasn't into the idea and didn't want him like she had before. Ever since she had found out about her parent's death, she wasn't the same. Depression caused her to lose weight and her eyes no longer sparkled the way they had used to. Many of her nights were fretful due to her grief-filled nightmares.
In another section it says " I jumped onto the edge of the tower and danced precariously from there. I felt a sort of excitement from here because I could fall off and die at any moment." Notice how both sentences begin with "I" you should combine those like this: I jumped on the edge of the tower, dancing precariously, and felt a sort of excitement filling me because I could fall off and die at any moment.
I love your way of portraying Draco and thought the food fight scene was cute and funny. McGonagall coming in was hilarious. You have a great start with a little work your story could be fantastic!
Hope I wasn't harsh!
Love, Lyla

Author's Response: thank you so much, and i will take those thoughts into consideration :D

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