Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Jchrissy says:
Hello, darling!

Okay, your concerns related to the flow, if it can stand along, if the star and father references make sense, and general feedback :). Iím going to start by saying I wonít point out grammatical errors as youíve said youíll have it beta-d.

This sentence sounds off to me:
Her dadís words still rang in her ear as melodic as the Common Welsh Greenís roar and it gave her a strange sense of security because she felt like she had an excuse. mainly because I canít put melodic and dragon roar together. Maybe as fiercely as the Common Welsh Greenís roar?

Besides that, I think this is a very strong opening paragraph!

The 4th paragraph, I think the very last line, ďyou must not go out.Ē should be italicized to strengthen the intensity of it.

The 7th paragraph is such a good one, but it starts feeling too redundant with the repeated use of actually. You may have been going for that repetitive feeling though, if so ignore this ;).
It was as black as†their†souls, black as sin, all of them, the Carrows, Deaths Eaters,†him,†this war. I love this line!

I donít think the line about Firenze fits. Weíve heard what tiring work reading the stars is, and that the centaurs are confident only they can master it. I think it may be better for him to have said something along the lines of, ďThe stars held secrets that could only be discovered by those strong enough to seek them.Ē may feel more Firenze-ish.

Hannah had been the strength she lacked but when she stood up Hannah had collapsed. wow, very, very powerful line.


Okay, now to the review part!
I actually didnít find this confusing at all. It was vague, but in more of an abstract way. I knew enough to be very connected to Susan, and extremely pained by her self doubt mixed with fear. The writing is gorgeous. The CC I mentioned above are all only suggestions, but without them this is still an amazing piece. I was a bit confused about her father, but nothing that hurt your story. It was just up to me to decide what he was talking about, what had happened to make him tell her to keep her head down. Iím thinking he had said that before she left for Hogwarts in regards to the new situation the students were in; she hadnít listened and ended up getting Ernie hurt?

But, if anyone is actually confused, you list right under it in you note that this is connected to another story, so they can go and read that one if they donít like the abstract feeling of unanswered questions.

I think this was a great challenge piece and very original, I also like the ending when something finally clicks inside her that it has to be every single one standing together to make the whole.

I really enjoyed the emotions in this piece. Iím extremely curious as to what happened to Hannah now!

Also, the prompts were included beautifully! It was clear that they were part of this story, and that this story was not just built for them. There are so many entries that revolve only around the prompts, that this is a wonderful contrast!

Great challenge entry, I hope this review was helpful!

Jami

Author's Response: Hey Jami! Thanks for stopping by!

I actually looked up the common welsh and it says their roar is strangely melodic... so i'm just going off that, as odd as it sounds. :D (well, as melodic as a raging dragon can actually sound anyway :P).

*headdesk* Definitely not going for the repeated actually... that just sounds awkward now that you've pointed it out! Can't believe i missed that :D thanks! :D

I'm pleased that you liked the vaguness, i'm always plagued with doubts of whether i'm being clear enough but i don't want to be that writer who is making everything so painfully obvious to the reader that they can't figure things out themselves and sort of let their imaginations go a little wild. I just never know where that pesky line is so i'm pleased that you felt connected to it :D

to answer you question about Ernie, he had already been sort of taken by the Carrows and she tried to save him but since it was just her the Carrows Crucio'd her and it didn't help him really. I'd see that her little act probably made it worse for both of them.

If you are interested in Hannah... and please forggive this plug, but i have another story on her called The Cloud Dancer. :P It's her after the war but it explains what happened to her.

Thank you so much for your lovely comments and your advice! I appreciate it so much! I didn't want the story to seem based on the prompt's, but wanted them to just be there as if they belonged, which is why I tried to give it a more abstract feeling so that she wasn't actually dealing with any of those things, it was just a running narrative in her thoughts. Thanks again :D

-zayne


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 342
Submit Report: