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Review:academica says:
Hey Zayne! I'm here with your requested review :)

I like the present tense here a lot - I didn't read it back when it was past tense, but I think that present tense does a lot to convey the emotion and the sense that Lucy should still be next to Molly in the moment, should still have present action.

I like Molly's personality here. I don't read much next-gen on my own, but I've seen her characterized in many different ways. This one seems earnest and real, like she's acting her age but still feeling the loss of someone she loves. I feel like any girl her age would have the same thoughts upon losing her beloved sister, thoughts that wonder how it is that the lost loved one will not simply reappear as usual later that evening.

I also felt like the description of Lucy's change in outfit felt authentic. I don't know if you've ever been to a funeral, but I can distinctly identify that feeling that the person laying in the coffin in front of you is eons away from the living person you knew. It's really amazing how quickly and easily death can change everything about a person. That said, though, the beginning of this confused me a little. Until I realized what the piece was really about, I thought Molly was describing her mother, not her sister. One way to fix that might be to separate out the line about what her mum says, so that a new paragraph starts when she's talking about how this isn't how her sister dressed. It's just something for you to consider about this.

Overall, this is good, and I enjoyed this first chapter. Nice job, and I hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks for stopping by, i really appreciate it!

I really like the change too, i'm glad that it conveys her confusion and emotion. Rachel (penguinswillreignsupreme) suggested i make the change and i'm glad i did because it seems to be getting a good response.

I don't read or write a lot of next gen myself so i'm winging them here. Though it does come in handy as i'm not influenced by others interpretations of them. I'm really pleased you felt that she was a real character here and that her actions and thoughts were identifiable.

I have been to a few and i was trying to capture some of those feelings of not really believing that the person is gone. Seeing them in that coffin is a completely different experience than seeing them alive. They do seem like different people, especially when you're used to seeing them as something else. I'm glad i got that across because writing grief is difficult as i didn't want it so melodramatic but i also wanted her emotions to be apparent.

Anyway, i've had a couple people comment on that so i'll probably go in and change that around bit so it's not so confusing. :D

Thanks again for stopping by Amanda! I appreciate your review and it is helpful, thanks!
-zayne


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