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Review:Live Life Large says:
I think you might want to consider splitting this chapter into two or maybe even three. 10k words is a lot for one chapter, and I totally respect you for being able to write that much, but it takes a long time for someone to read this. Also, it kind of puts people off reading your story since your first chapter is so long.

That being said, your characterization was good. I liked how Harry was a detective, it was nice to see something different from the average "Harry becomes head auror" thing, even if it is canon. It was a nice change.

I wanted to point out a few things that I noticed while I was reading:

-"...and only distant car traffic was visible evidence of any Muggle activity, whatsoever."
I think the "whatsoever" at the end sort of messes up the flow of this sentence and makes it feel a bit clumsy. I would still understand that distant car traffic was the only sign of muggles if you took that out.

-"'The client said that decided for her that some wizardry was about...'"
I had to read this a couple of times to understand what you were trying to say here. I think it might sound better if you said something like, "The client said that made her decide..." just because the flow felt a little off before.

Interesting chapter, I enjoyed reading it!

Live Life Large(:

Author's Response: Thanks for writing. I appreciate the comments. I haven't had many.

The original beginning chapter with Draco seemed rather weak. I got rather frustrated after resubmitting it, so gladly went on to other things as soon as it passed the editors. Sorry about the bad syntax.

Originally, this was a stand-alone short, from when I first started writing. I had to dumb it down (at first the children were real prisoners in a dungeon and the troll a lot meaner). I tried to clean it up when I resubmitted it, but should have been more diligent. At least I removed most of the misspellings.

I've gotten bored with the 'canon' stories. They are great and I don't put down readers who like that, but after awhile I just begin to want a bit of Harry living in the real world. I tried to give him an average job I thought fit his skill at solving puzzles. But I also wanted to write about the other characters, who are mostly just background in the original HP books.


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