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Review:BoOkWoRm24 says:
Hi here with your requested review:

Alright so I thought that this was a different way to start off your first chapter. There was no action scene, or backround overload, you sort of relied on your character's loud personality to hook your reader, and I thought it was rather effective.

Characterization: Alright so as I said before Finn has a pretty strong personality. But the thing about it is that I think she's rather likeable. She's got that sort of 'I'm too cool for you' persona that a lot of people like reading. As far as Mary Sueness goes I haven't seen anything explicitely Mary Suey yet. Having her be gay makes her a bit more unique, but still real (so not Mary Sue-ey). So good job, I don't think she's a Mary Sue (yet).

There were a few points that I might work on.

For one you sort of had her do the "my name is this I like this, but I don't like this" part at one point. That is sort of a big no no for first chapters. Try and work in that information throughout the chapter. I understand that you needed her to tell us that she's gay, but again work it in. Maybe when she's talking with Louis mention that she plays quidditch. Wait a chapter to tell us her favorite subject is transfigurations. Work it in where its relavent (like before a lesson, or while doing homework). The way you did it made it seem sort of random, and doing backround in that sort of way is never a good thing.

Also I saw a few grammar things like you need a quotation mark at the very very end after Finn. And there was a few Next Gen innaccuracies in there. (Louis mentioned that James was his brother, when James is really his cousin). I would recomend a beta, who would catch these things for you.

Other than that this was a pretty good chapter. Keep up the good work.


~House Cup 2012

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