Hello! Funny story - I was just thinking about this story the other day and could not remember what it was called! I feel so lucky that Iíve stumbled across it!! Yay for review tag!
So, chapter two, letís play!
In the third paragraph, the sentence about his fingers ghosting over it. I really, really love the imagery it creates. Itís so close, yet not tangible enough to actually grasp. Really well done.
I like second person very seldom -- right now I LOVE it. You have a talent for this very difficult style and it strengthens your story, as opposed to turning it into a confused mess. Thatís very rarely the case I see with this style, I am so ridiculously impressed right now.
This sentence is a bit comma heavy:
Once you work that out, you know, everything will be much smoother, the theory will flow much faster, practically writing itself as the logic allows it to unfold neatly.
I think it would flow better if you remove the comma after Ďyou knowí and I think adding a period after smoother will create a stronger impression for the following sentence.
I really love the descriptions your using -- the sentence about a small voice whispering if he tried again is perfect and really helps us to understand the amount of intense self doubt and fear of failure heís going through.
Oh my gosh I am so happy with your characterizations! James is very different from any other. I feel like every one puts Sirius, James and Harry in a put, stirs it up, and there you have James second. Itís boring to read -- this is literally like taking a drink of ice water. Hugo is also his own, I havenít read many stories with him so I am not sure about other characterizations. But as for yours, I love it.
Your dialogue is very natural, again something that second person usually struggles with. I like your way of relating Hugo and James. They seem more like brothers than cousins. I also like Hugo giving advice, he seems a bit like Jamesís own conscience here. I donít know if that makes sense...
and you have left me very curious with no more chapters to read! I do hope you continue this!
You did a wonderful job with second person, I am really surprised. You have a strong flow, itís slow but in a tense way. Great job, Iím so happy I found this!
Author's Response: Really? Wow, thanks! :D It's so lovely to hear that you remembered my story! And extra yay for review tag and coincidences (seriously, that's a little bit freaky... O.o)!
Thank you! I really enjoy writing it - it was a real surprise in the beginning, since it's never really talked about or considered a 'proper' voice, but I'm so glad you like it! :)
Thanks so much for pointing that out! I'm terrible with commas - I tend to just fling them in everywhere and hope for the best, lol. I'll definitely go back and take a look at it - cut out a bunch of those commas.
I know! Unlike Albus Potter who gets different characterisations, James is so often the same or very, very similar. I just had to make him different - completely different. It was a temptation I couldn't resist :P Hugo... I literally combined Ron and Hermione for Hugo, although he's more Hermione's son than Ron's at the moment, I think. I'm sure he'll show some amazing lack of tact at some point :)
Yeah, it does! :) He is a bit like James' conscience. I figured that someone who is that clever, who is almost on a different level and that focused could easily need someone to help him with more social things, with things which can't be solved to make 4 or whatever, lol, and Hugo kinda does that for James. I'm so glad you picked up on that, though, thanks! :D
Thank you so much for the lovely review!