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Review:Arithmancy_Wiz says:
I am totally not just reviewing this because I requested a review in your thread. I actually read this yesterday as part of the TGS review a new story challenge. I promise, I'm not trying to butter you up :)

I'm usually not a big fan of angst but there are some really wonderful bits of imagery in this piece. I particularly like the bit about the sheets and the embracing in bed as teens. Instead of being sexual, it just feels intimate. A subtle but effective difference, romantic feelings aside.

The line about it not being Sirius's baby was also very wrenching. It was a really raw, almost uncomfortable moment that leant an otherwise more poetic piece a grounded sence of messy reality.

The only bit of CC I would offer is that some of the lines felt like you as the narrator where "qualifying" them, weakening there impact, or using extra words that makes it feel like there is someone telling us the reader what is going on instead of seeing it for ourselves. I'll use the opening paragraph as an example of what I mean.

"Sweat glues the hair atop the man's forehead to his face." People don't really think in such formal ways. "The man was drenched in sweat" or "The man's hair clung to his sweat-soaked brow." If I was actually watching this happen, that's more the language my brain would use. Or take "Then he turns over again, ripping the bedclothes from his frail body, and flees into sleep to escape what now feels like hellfire." I love the imagery here. Using sleep to escape the hellfire. But the "what now feels like" weakens the impact a bit. Just "to escape the hellfire" would also work. To me, "what now feels like" fells like your input as a narrator, not what Remus is thinking, and that puts up a barrier between me the reader and your character. There is nothing wrong with the sentences you wrote and I'm not picking on them. I just wanted to offer an example of what I meant. Obviously your style is full of imagery and I love that. I just find the more lyrical a piece is, the more you have to work at connecting your audience to it.

Overall, it's a really lovely piece and I've been meaning to read and review it for ages. So glad I did. Thanks for sharing it :)

And sorry about any weird coding stuff. I'm doing this on my iPad.

Author's Response: Hi! I really appreciate you stopping by!

Oh, man, that's a huge compliment - I really tried to go for 'intimate' there instead of purely physical. To make it too sexual would have cheapened it, I think, and I'm glad that it didn't seem that way to you. Whew!

The Remus/Tonks portion of this piece was hard - again, I didn't want to cheapen it by just letting Remus blindly love Sirius and ignore Tonks, and yet I wanted to pull it into my general theme of Remus/Sirius. I think in that moment with the name, Remus sort of realized just how much Sirius had visibly impacted him. Maybe he was even a bit scared, and that's why he lashed out there.

I think you've given me some great CC. My style does tend to gravitate toward imagery, because that's what I love about the work done by my favorite authors and that's what I usually get complimented on. Sometimes my sentences do come out a bit ungainly, though, and the last thing I would want is to sound like I'm 'trying too hard', if that makes sense. I'll definitely keep your comments in mind.

Thanks so much for this kind review :)


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