Hey, great first chapter! It's so long, but trust me when I say I am NOT complaining! It's good that it's long. It's a great way to kick off what looks like is going to be a darn good story!
Since you took so much time and effort to review our story and gave us AMAZING advice, I feel I just HAVE to return the favour, and I will gladly do so! So I have a few questions and some constructive thoughts for you, just like you had for us. Please don't take them the wrong way, as I don't mean them in a rude manner at all!
1) Anala is her first name but everyone calls her Nala (IS THAT FROM LION KING? I LOVE LION KING! AND I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THAT NAME!), except for her brother, who calls her Mili. Why is that? Is there a back story there? And why does she call him Kit in return? There just seems to be a lot of variations of names going on here (Anala, Nala, Mili, Chris, Christo, Christopher, Kit). So if there IS a back story to all of it/any of it, it would be a good idea to include it where the whole naming thing FIRST occurs, because since this is the first chapter, readers may get confused as to who is who since it's their first time reading the story. I have to admit: I, myself, was momentarily confused a couple times. (I eventually figured it all out though!)
2) I really like how long this chapter is. Props for that! However, it might make reading easier if you put your sentences into whole paragraphs, rather than line after line. Of course line-after-line is great too, but in moderation, you know? Putting the story into whole paragraphs just makes the story flow better. Too much
narrator seem like.
her thoughts are everywhere. Also, it's good to put double spacing between your lines and paragraphs. It just makes everything easier to read and appeals to readers more.
3) I've noticed that when there is dialogue, you tend to put "blahblahblah",
Author's Response: Hey!
THANK YOU for reading and reviewing it! Aww, thanks, i really am putting a lot of effort into it.
Dw, i won't take it the wrong way, i promise you that I am SO thankful for your advice.
Btw, we should be friends. Best friends. I'm liking you more and more. :)
Ok, yes. (IT IS FROM THE LION KING! I love Lion King as well! I've always loved that name too, and that's why i chose to include it in here.) You got the whole naming thing right. There is a backstory into it, but i chose to reveal it later in the story, as it is connected to a memory. But when I edit this chapter along with my beta (hopefully) i will make sure that it is less confusing to the reader. Her actual name is Anala Mili Duboir if that makes it any clearer.
About the whole paragraph thing, I have a problem with that. I will also make sure to fix that when I edit it as well. Its a horrible habit that I should NOT do.
I'm not quite sure if you finished your last point but thank you for your LOVELY review. It means a lot, and i hope that you continue to follow my story!!