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Review:Mistress says:
Hey Abhi! I'm here! I'm here! Thanks for your patience with me while my life settled down a touch.

I really think you have a great start here for a novel. You clearly know your characters well and know exactly what you want from them. They're a really dynamic mix of personalities, which I definitely found amusing!

I did notice a few quick fixes, though. If you could, I would suggest having a beta look through it for things like having the commas inside of quotation marks and you switched between past and present tense rather frequently. The spacing was also a little strange, so I would fix that so that there is a definitive space between each paragraph. If you still want the bigger spaces, you could always use a *.

A lot of characters were introduced in this first chapter, so I'd also suggest scaling it back in the next one and really focusing on your girl and maybe a couple other people. Just get in some back story and not quite as much crazy dialogue, as much fun as it was to read!

OH my favorite quote:

“Fred! You ruin all the fun!”, I whined still laughing, clutching my stomach.
“Darling, I am the fun.”, he suggestively said, before winking.

I burst out laughing!

Other minor fixables: If you have a ? you don't need a comma afterward in dialogue. Same with a period. Keep all punctuation inside of those quotation marks. Also watch your use of words like you're and your. Also, I would keep it to just one ? or ! I think more is overkill and not needed, as I already know they are shouting. I think you can get away with the occasional ?! though. I know I do on a frequent basis ;)

Of course you know I am a total sucker for one-liners. Loved this exchange:

He chuckled.
The git.

So cute. I love the little snippets. I also love how much energy you put into this story. It really seems like you were excited and happy to write it and I can completely tell. A lot of times a reader can sense when a writer just isn't into it anymore and that is definitely not the case with this story!

Definitely let me know when the next chapter is up and if you'd like me to throw a chapter image your way. I would definitely be delighted! This is a wonderful start and I know it's going to be a great story that you will love! Thank you for writing it!

Author's Response: Hey Jancie!
THANK you for reviewing, it really made me smile.

Im pretty bad at grammar and punctuation, so yes, i will get someone to look over that. As soon as I put it in the queue i realised that i may have introduced TOO many characters, and that TOO much was happening, but yes, I will scale it down next chapter and focus on just a few people.

I knew you would like that bit! For some reason I thought of Fred from BTQC when I wrote it.

About the tense changes, I do have a problem with that. Will try to fix it, its horrible and something I'm working on.

Thank you so much for your review, I will definitely take on ALL of your advice and apply it next chapter. This feels weird because usually its me writing a review for you, and you replying.

The banner for the story IS coming! And I would LOVE it if you could do a chapter image for the next chapter. Ill let you know when.

Again, thank you for your lovely review, it really made my day. I hope you continue to follow my story! It would mean a lot.


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