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Review:Moonyxluna says:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

Alright, so you asked about flow and Grammar in your request, so those are the things I'm going to talk about those together. This moved very quickly, and for me it was difficult to follow because it was mostly dialogue, with not too many descriptions. Being first person Lily, I would have liked to see you expand on her feelings through this. It would help slow things down if you add some "I said, Sirius said" (obviously varied besides the word 'said') into the banter so the reader could tell who was talking. As far as the Grammar part the one thing I noticed was the severe lack of punctuation in your dialogue. Make sure you're closing off your sentences with a period or a comma in the quotation marks. Otherwise, there's a section on the forums for Quick Betas, you could have someone take a look at cleaning those things up.

I guess the one thing that confused me about the plot was the fact that Sirius was calling Lily 'mommy' through the story. Repeating what I said above if you added some more of her inner thoughts in here and maybe explained why Sirius was calling her 'mom' instead of Lily or Evans, (or Potter :p) I think that would clear things up. Other than that, I suppose the big thing is the why factor? I really didnít get an idea for what exactly was going on, other than this being 'just another day at the Potter's' so I guess more explanations along that line as well.

Just something I want to mention about formatting, and I suppose this even goes with the same 'more details' line, but you capitalized a lot of things that people were yelling. I understand that it calls to the reader's attention when things are in caps that the character is yelling, but it was kind of distracting after a while because it was so frequent. Maybe instead of having so much capitalized, you could say "Lily shouted; James shouted, Sirius shouted" or any synonym of those words. Just a suggestion, of course! :)

Interest- I definitely am interested in this! Aside from the things I pointed out I am interested to see why and how James knew Legilimency (you have it spelled legimence, just so you know it's spelled with a 'y') You mentioned this was going to be a series? I am interested to see how that will play out to his advantage bringing them closer to their deaths.

I hope this was helpful, and please don't let the things I pointed out discourage you. This has a lot of potential to be a very entertaining one-shot/ one-shot series so just think about the things I pointed out. Keep up the great work!


Author's Response: The dialogue complication is a constant complaint I've got and I'm working on it. Thanks to all you wonderful reviewers I'm trying to do my best each time. I don't know how my next one will come but I reminded myself to add more description and who-says-to-whom so I guess it's better than this. Thanks a lot love, for taking your time to give me such a descriptive review :) I really really appreciate it :)

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