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Review:CambAngst says:
Hello, fellow Gryffie! I'm checking out all of the stories posted for the House Cup challenge, seeing whether I can help.

Wow. That was a very unusual idea. I spent the entire story wondering why Neville had ended up in St. Mungo's. Then I found out why and it was sadder than I had imagined. I feel so terribly for him.

First off, though, Lloyd. I loved that you created this odd little man from whole cloth and used him as a foil to tell Neville's unhappy tale. It was a very clever set-up and I think it went a long way toward helping to conceal the big twist at the end.

Neville, himself, seemed nicely in character. His reactions to the questions seemed genuine. His memories seemed natural enough.

Let me spot-check your prompts:

-- features House Champion

-- mentions at least 4 breeds of dragon

-- mentions a Blast-Ended Skrewt
Yes. This seems to be the one that everybody's trying to use and having the toughest time with. Out of all of your prompts, this one seemed the most out-of-place to me.

-- mentions at least 1 Unforgivable curse

-- mentions a Sleeping Draught

-- mentions 2 of the following types of magic: a transfiguration spell, a sleeping spell, the conjunctivitis curse, the summoning charm (accio)
Conjunctivitis curse and sleeping spell.

-- mentions at least 2 of the following types of Dark Detectors: Foe-Glass, Sneakoscope, Secrecy Sensor, or Probity-Probe
Secrecy Sensor and Sneakoscope

-- mentions the details of your Championís Wand

Suggestions? I think you could have made the ending hit a bit harder if you had mentioned the "twenty pages of notes" up front, rather than waiting until the end. Maybe make it so that Lloyd is so eager to have found an eye-witness that he breezes through the notes? I also thought that Neville went from "pleased" to "attack mode" a bit quickly. I'm thinking that maybe Lloyd should accidentally provoke him a bit more. Maybe have him act just a bit doubtful when Neville drops Harry's name. Then Neville picks up on this and responds with something like, "Oh, you don't believe me?" and let it escalate from there. That would seem very consistent for a pathological liar.

Your writing was lovely. Very detailed and natural-sounding. Good mix of narrative and dialog/monologue. No mistakes that I could see.


Author's Response: Thank you for double checking the prompts for me, second pair of eyes and all that! Your suggestions are awesome, especially the escalation of Neville's rage, going to work them into the rewrite. Thanks for checking this over!

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