Hi, it's Aether from the forums here with your requested review. This one-shot is absolutely beautifully written, and a really great idea. It's actually everything I think a one-shot should be. I love how you stick with Fred's point of view, and we get to see the final battle from the perspective of the people who have died throughout the HP books. Really, really excellent job!
I saw some grammatical errors that I think could be fixed by a couple careful read-throughs. Here are a few:
" Well, I think so. Last time I saw her she was fighting fit and duelling some death eaters." smiled, "That's my girl, as long as she's ok."
>It seems like something just got cut out of that sentence.
"I watched the night that we moved Harry, I watched as Snape raised his wand at the death eater in front of him, he was nowhere near George or Remus."
>This sentence isn't a proper sentence. Try breaking it up into two or three sentences, or connect phrases with commas, parallel phrasing, and conjunctions.
"She seemed to understand and I watched her right a note and when she was done she folded it carefully."
>It's just a typo, but it's the kind of thing I have trouble catching on my own, so I thought I'd point it out. 'right' should be 'write.' Also, you should again pay attention to your sentences. If you have two independent phrases, separate them with a conjunction and a comma. If you have three independent phrases, you're going to have to split the sentence up into two or three sentences. Otherwise, it becomes a bit of a mouthful. Also, nitpicky people like me twitch when we see such things, which messes with flow. ;)
I love how you've defined the whole afterlife for the sake of this one-shot. You've really thought about everything: from the clothes they wear, to why they're all on the train. I also feel like you characterize Lily very well. The part at the end where she makes contact with Molly is so sweet and sad. I love it.
I was a little confused about some things, but they may not matter so much. I was under the impression (from the seventh book scene where Harry dies and meets Dumbledore) that the train station was a manifestation of Harry's consciousness. Also, Harry appeared there naked, not clothed. I figure it must just be different with Fred though, since he's not a Horocrux. Lastly, if the dead can communicate with the living, why haven't James and Lily communicated with Harry?
Great job! I really enjoyed this fanfic. You do a great job of getting to all the characters (even Pettigrew!), and your level of description is great. I feel that you could fix a few sentences to improve the flow of the story, but other than that, great job! I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for requesting! :) 10/10
Author's Response: Hey thanks so much for reviewing :D
Thanks I didn't notice them but will change them when I edit to add the CI.
Even though it was Harry's consciousness I think that after they all die each of them would see/go to the place. Maybe because Harry wasn't actually dead he still arrived in the same place just on a different platform.
Again with the clothing thing - I think because Harry wasn't dead there was no need for the clothes as he wasn't stopping there. In the film he was clothed instead of naked.
When writing this, in my head the dead had one last chance of saying goodbye to their loved one(s) whether it be right after they died or years later.
I think that when Harry called James and Lily using the stone that was their final contact and I think they would have a feeling it would have happend which is why they waited.
I didn't think anyone noticed Pettigrew (go you!)
Thanks again :D