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Review:Angelique Aspis says:
Okay, now I see why you're concerned about confusing people! You make your readers hunt reread for information that you might not even have included. For example:

How old are Helena and Willoughby in this prologue? You mention the age of ten for Willoughby, but I wasn't sure if that was a mistake. If he's ten, what is he doing at Hogwarts? Helena isn't a student; is this because she's too young, too old, or for some other reason?

Is "Princess" an affectionate family nickname that Helena doesn't want the students to adopt? Or is it a mean nickname given to her by the students?

You should address the contradiction between Helena's wish for normal friendships and the imperious manner in which she treats Willoughby. I'm not saying this is a bad thing; I'm saying that you should let your readers know that this is actual hypocrisy rather than an oversight on your part.

Now for the good stuff: The entire Grey Lady/Bloody Baron topic is a fantastic idea. I like the idea that Helena grew up at Hogwarts. I also like the idea that the two met as children, if that's indeed what happened. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens next.

A few vital notes:

"Alright" is all wrong. The phrase is "all right." Always.

NO BLUSHING. It's way overused. Way way WAY overused. Did I mention that it's overused? Peole simply do not go around blushing all the time, even pale-skinned people. Even people with blushing problems. Save it for a time when it's important to the plot. And then reconsider.

Author's Response: See? :9 This is the issue. Helena's ten and Will is in the second year. She's not because she's still . Helena is called Princess because she's one of the founders' daughters. Ravenclaw's daughter actually. So that's why. She's adored and respected by all students.

The blushing part was I think because I blush a lot. And when I say a lot I mean a lot! So I tend to make m characters blush a lot. Sorry. Must stop that.

Thank you so much for doing this for me. Totally unexpected. I love getting criticized! Thanks *hugs*


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