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Review:long_live_luna_bellatrix says:
Hello! This was a good start to a story, for sure. The first line was quite an opener, with all the drama, and yet I figured out soon enough that it might not be set in stone as I met the young narrator. I like the idea a lot, this big question mark that will huddle over Bill as he grows up, leaving him to wonder if she was a batty old witch or if he encountered a legitimate Seer. You set it up nicely, giving her the creepiness factor as well as the sort of prophecy that we saw from Trelawney in the HP books: vague but sudden.

For the most part you told the story of a six-year-old well. Adjusting to his point of view, you did a good job with keeping things as he'd see them, from the unfairness of being an older brother to the naive memory of his father coming home drunk. At one point you used the word "relegated," which sounded a bit odd coming from such a young mouth, but otherwise it really worked.

The only thing I can think of to work on here are the details. You gave the expected description of Charlie's irritating habits and the expected description of a witch. I would've liked to see what Diagon Alley looked like through Bill's eyes, or some details that were as original as your idea.

It spoke loads about Bill's character that he wanted to protect his mother even from such a young age. I think that sort of chivalry can be expected from a young boy, even when he can't put it into words, and I can certainly see it coming from Bill Weasley. You can tell he'll be a good man, growing up.

So, overall, well done here. It was an enjoyable first chapter, and from your summary, it sounds like things will continue to be interesting.

Author's Response: This first chapter was one of my favorites to write. It was written in one sitting and posted because I was so enthusiastic so I definitely could stand to go back over it and edit as necessary :) I do want to work out the details but I also don't want to make this overly long - it's meant to balance out the heaviness of my other WIP.

I'm so glad that you like little Bill!! I kind of wish I could just write the whole story about him :) Maybe I can do flashbacks :P


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