Hello, review tag! So, let me start by saying I'm a bit of a chaotic reviewer. I read it through without thinking of the review once, then jot down parts of the story the next read through, then finally put it together as an actual some what readable review. I hope that's okay!
Let me just say your first paragraph is captivating, it already induces the feeling of anxiety, and makes me sit up a bit straighter.
Honestly, I was really surprised that it was the gates of Hogwarts he was entering. I should have had an idea when you mentioned that it struck wonder into the hearts of children, but there was still such an eerie feeling to it, I didn't expect that. You want me on my tippy toes, don't you?
It is so completely different to have Hogwarts described in such a dark, terrifying way. It isn't the warm, mysterious, inviting Hogwarts we usually read about. But a shadow filled, overly large, creaky one. It fits in perfectly with Moody's personality, I think. Your words are amazing, you use the most vivid of images to create this new way of looking at Hogwarts.
Why is he feeling so agitated? Why does he think it necessary to have his wand so at the ready? Is this simply Moody, being over paranoid, or are you dancing us into something more? Very, very intoxicating so far, m'dear.
He was like the moth unable to resist the flame. Perfect, perfect simile. It didn't take away from the sentence, it enhanced it. I see so many people using things like, 'her tears ran like a sink turned to high power, gushing away.' Okay, that's an exaggeration, what I'm trying to say is this slid right into your story without making me stop and have to actually think about it. I have a black and white picture in my head of the two sitting face to face, Dumbledore messing with something on his deck, Moody unable to really sit still, his eyes glinting at the excitement of this mission.
The writer of those note or Riddle? - this
Alastor Moody would have go get used to with this case. - I'm curious if the 'go' was put there on purpose. Just thought I would point this out :)!
Wow, I really want you to continue with this piece. You have painted such a mysterious, incredible image. I donít know if you need to be told how in canon you are, I'm sure you know. But your characterizations have not faltered from that of JKR's even the tiniest amount. You seem to have aged them both well, or de-aged them, I suppose.
This is one of the best first chapters I have ever read. There is nothing more I would rather do than click on, oh wait, someone only gave me on chapter! I can't click on!
I was already expecting something great from you, but you blew my mind away. If I could make one of those little bald bowing people on this review, I would.
Amazing job, darling. I do hope you continue it!
Author's Response: That's a great reviewing style because, the first time through, you're not worrying about what you'll be able to comment on - you just enjoy the story/chapter for what it is, like a normal published text. This is why I love to have variety in my reviewers because everyone reads differently, and it means that different things get noticed. :)
It's actually exciting to hear that the beginning of this story is captivating. Beginnings are scary to write because one is never sure whether it will successfully grab the reader, so I'm very happy that I got it to work in this story. It was fun to write Hogwarts like that, to strip away the happy magic of the early HP books and make it somewhat horrifying. Because it is - it's filled with ghosts (many of them died violently, too), there's a giant monster living beneath it, and it has a strange ominous atmosphere about it, just like any ancient building. You're right, though: a lot of this perspective of Hogwarts is coming from Moody himself, his negative way of looking at the world tainting even a children's magic school. That description probably says more about Moody than Hogwarts itself. (And he is paranoid. I think I love writing him because I can make him overreact to everything. :P)
Yay! I can't describe how wonderful it is to hear that the similes/metaphors aren't overdone! It may sound silly to say that, but I include a lot of them in my stories, and I do worry whether I'm going overboard. It's something I've decided to work on, but all the same, I'm happy that that one fit so well into the narrative. It produced just the image I had in my own head while writing. :D
I've fixed those sentences - thank you for pointing them out! Those are the little things I always manage to miss when I'm editing.
It's definitely a story I want to continue writing, and it means so much to hear that you want to read more of it. It's a really interesting kind of story to write, perhaps because it's such a visual genre that's filled with shadows and danger, yet it's also often slow and quiet. One painfully waits for something to happen, never knowing when or how it will.
It's very good to hear that I'm keeping to canon. When writing characters at a much different time in their lives, whether it be a younger Moody or an older Harry, I'm never certain whether I've aged them properly - there's a difficult balance to maintain between canon personality and natural levels of maturation.
Thank you so much for this inspiring review! I have the story planned out and have started writing the second part - hopefully it won't be too long until I'm satisfied with the result. :D