Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Jchrissy says:
The first sentence already has me amused! Thatís a good sign!

The sting had reached its maximum capacity; an overwhelmed feeling washed over me; I felt my eyes begin to water as tears trickled down my beautifully tanned skin, leaving a sticky trail in their path.

I like your use of the semicolon in this, but I think the second one should be changed to a period and that following sentence should begin with ĎMy eyes.í This is just a stylistics suggestion, feel free to ignore it!

I just let them flow; let myself be engulfed by the salty and undesirable tears. A semicolon must have a complete sentence on either side of it. BUT, a colon can have an incomplete sentence for the ending one. I would either change this it: I let them flow; I allowed myself to be engulfed by the salty and undesirable tears. Or, just change the semicolon to a colon :).

This is a very, very great first chapter! I LOVE your characterizations so far. Roxanne seems like a really strong character and Iím excited to see her fleshed out. Lucy and Molly are going to be a great for of comic relief, I bet. You did an amazing job with describing everything, so we know what is going on and who is saying what, and so on. You introduced a lot of characters, so Iím excited to see how their personalities are built upon in following chapters. I also love the way you brought the pregnancy about.

Your grammar is for the most part, perfect. You had another issue with semicolons earlier on, just remember they always have to separate two complete sentences. Penny has an amazing ppst under writers resources, titled semicolons and colons, that would be good to read! I learned so much from it!

I think you are starting really strong, and this first chapter does an amazing job at capturing my attention, wanting to force me to continue reading. Poor girl, that last sentence was the perfect amount of drama.

I hope I was helpful! Donít forget, anything I suggest are merely, well, suggestions ;)!

-JChrissy

Author's Response: Hi (second time writing this as I somehow deleted the first one...)

I have trouble with semicolon and colon and so on as it isn't my first language so I'll be sure to have a look into that more and try and fix what you've suggested above :) I will also have a look at Penny's colon and semicolon. Thanks for telling me about it :)

I'm glad you found my chapter great as it means a lot for a writer to hear things like that. I love that you love my characterization so far and I hope not to disappoint as the story/the characters progresses. Molly and Lucy makes Roxanne laugh when she's down so they are great best friends and cousins :) I know I introduced a lot of characters. Those are pretty much the main ones apart from Fred, who'll come into play in the next chapter.

I didn't just want to go right ahead and tell the reader she was pregnant straight away I wanted to create some suspense and I know most if not all the readers will already know she's pregnant but I didn't want to clarify it until the very end.

Thank you for reviewing and I'm glad it made you want to read on and find out all those unanswered questions :)

Your review has been very helpful!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 937
Submit Report: