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Review:Deltaris says:
I really love how you set the tone of Lucius's emotions through the rainy weather. I picture Lucius as showing very little emotion in public settings, so the way you did this seemed fitting to me.

I did get a little confused in the beginning. They're on the train, but there's a table in the compartment? It's just little things like that that can confuse the reader. I also can't really picture an incoming first year sitting with older students, unless he's related to one of them, but that's just me, so it's not a big deal.

I really liked the flashback that you wrote. It really shows what Lucius's state of mind is going into this year. The way the flashback was announced, however, broke up the flow for me. Maybe it would be better to set it in italics or inbetween line breaks?

Also, there's really not transition from the train to the sorting. It's like they jumped to the castle all of a sudden.

Lucius, the way your portray him here, seems to be very much like the book Lucius. He's seen as very cold and emotionless in the books and films. I can completely see this as being true, but we've also got to remember that he's only a fifth year here. I think it would be really great to see a breakdown from him, whether it's just out of anger over something or about his mother's death. I think you did a really great job in setting up his character :)

I've got to go get lunch, but then I'll be reading the other chapters!
Del<3

Author's Response: Thanks a bunch for the awesome feedback.

Uhm, for the compartment thing, i think i chose the wrong term for that. I wasn't picturing the type of compartment where harry, ron and hermione met, i was thinking of the area where harry was eavesdropping on draco and the other slytherin students, kinda looked like an area where students can have their meals while on board a train... it was in Part 1 of the deathly hallows i believe.

I received the same comments about the flashback announcements so on the 5th chapter (soon to be posted) i'll be using line breaks :D

Im still working on transitioning :D

Thank you for your feedback on my version of Lucius. More info on him and the characters soon!

Thanks!


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