Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:magnolia_magic says:
Hi! I'm here with your review!

I thought this was a really interesting read. Your attention to detail is really admirable, especially when Ebony is making her diagnosis. I was amazed to see so much depth in your description, and I thought it was really impressive :)

That said, there are a few things I'd like to critique here. The first is an easy fix: you have some run-on sentences throughout the chapter, and a lot of your sentences are just long in general. Too many long sentences at one time can be difficult to read, so I'd suggest going through and shortening some of them. That way, readers will find it easier to absorb the material.

The second thing is purely my opinion, so feel free to take it or leave it. While I found Ebony's back story really interesting, I think you spend too much time teling us about Ebony and too little time showing her in action. (And I'm totally guilty of this in some of my writing, so don't think I'm trying to pick on you! It's just something I noticed.) I'd suggest interspersing a little dialogue into the beginning while you're talking about Ebony's past. I think that would go a long way in balancing out the description-heavy first part of the chapter.

Once you started getting into the present, with Ebony at St. Mungo's, I started getting into the story a lot more. I think Mr. Runkle added a lot to the story; his comments about You Know Who brought the suspense that will keep people reading :) As for Ebony, I think I'm going to like her as a character. She seems like a very strong, accomplished young woman, and I love to see a character who can stay optimistic even after having such a difficult childhood. I'll definitely be interested to see how she develops in future chapters!

Overall, I think you've got a promising start here! Please feel free to request again when you update next :)

--Maggie

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net