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Review:magnolia_magic says:
Hi! I'm here with your review!

I thought this was a really interesting read. Your attention to detail is really admirable, especially when Ebony is making her diagnosis. I was amazed to see so much depth in your description, and I thought it was really impressive :)

That said, there are a few things I'd like to critique here. The first is an easy fix: you have some run-on sentences throughout the chapter, and a lot of your sentences are just long in general. Too many long sentences at one time can be difficult to read, so I'd suggest going through and shortening some of them. That way, readers will find it easier to absorb the material.

The second thing is purely my opinion, so feel free to take it or leave it. While I found Ebony's back story really interesting, I think you spend too much time teling us about Ebony and too little time showing her in action. (And I'm totally guilty of this in some of my writing, so don't think I'm trying to pick on you! It's just something I noticed.) I'd suggest interspersing a little dialogue into the beginning while you're talking about Ebony's past. I think that would go a long way in balancing out the description-heavy first part of the chapter.

Once you started getting into the present, with Ebony at St. Mungo's, I started getting into the story a lot more. I think Mr. Runkle added a lot to the story; his comments about You Know Who brought the suspense that will keep people reading :) As for Ebony, I think I'm going to like her as a character. She seems like a very strong, accomplished young woman, and I love to see a character who can stay optimistic even after having such a difficult childhood. I'll definitely be interested to see how she develops in future chapters!

Overall, I think you've got a promising start here! Please feel free to request again when you update next :)

--Maggie

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