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Review:Maybe says:
I really love your descriptive writing. You can really paint a picture in my mind and I can imagine the scenes so clearly by the way you write. :)

This story seems like it's going to be great. I enjoy reading stories where we know the outcome but we get to find out the lead-up to it, and this is one of those stories.

I love how you characterised both Helena and the Baron - by the way, the name Willoughby is adorable and I think it's so interesting that you chose to have him be a member of the Black family. The Black family we know and love just got a new member. That'll be interesting to read about. The description of Helena as being like a Princess and courtesying was a great image.

Also, the apprentices of Merlin! That sounds amazing! I know how much you love Merlin and I'd love to hear more about these apprentices, even if it's only in stories (or if you want to educate me via PM ;) )

I didn't find it confusing, although there was one section that seemed a little muddled and I had to re-read. It was when the Baron was telling Helena the story about Balthazar and Morgana and Maxim etc. There were a lot of characters in the mix, so maybe it would be easier to read if there were a few breaks in the speech. Like Helena could interject or the Baron could pause. It was just that it was a solid block of text, making it harder to digest, if that makes sense?

The only other thing was that sometimes, you used phrases that were very modern. For instance "best mate," "extra credit" and "for real." I think that kind of language wouldn't have been used in this time period.

This was a great start, really hooked me into the story :)

- Em

Author's Response: Thanks Em. I thought I've overdone it :D Hehe I'm so glad you like it.

Ooo yeah I'm hoping to mix a lot of mystery/dark/horror stuff. ;) Wait and see.

I didn't want him to be a Malfoy you know. Black seemed more of his type. I don't know why. I just love mixing all these families we know. Oh I just now got an idea. Thanks Em :D

Oooo you like these stuff? I'll PM you right away. Hehe I thought that part might be a bit you know... boring and all. But hey, you guys like it!! I'm going to create more legend :D

Oh yeah. I didn't feel it because you know, I wrote it but I guess when you're reading it for the first time knowing nothing of what I'm jabbering about, it must be confusing. Sorry :(

The language! That was the part I was afraid of. I didn't want it to sound ridiculous and I wanted it to sound ancient. I guess the two got mixed up. :( I'll have to keep a special eye on that one.

Thanks a lot Em! The longest review I've got so far


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