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Review:SiriuslyPeeved says:
This is beautifully written and so heartbreaking. No matter what else Percy does, for the rest of his life, he will bear the cost of having turned away from his family until the very last day of the war. The consequences will always be with him, even though the mistake was a youthful folly at first, trying to set himself apart from his brothers.

"The eyes that watched him asked a different question when he took the time to listen: It's a funny thing about that ladder, isn't it, how it's built with the bones of the innocent? Will you stop and think for a minute, cease your thoughtless abandonment, before the world abandons you?"

This passage really struck me -- beautiful. Perhaps the double use of "abandon" might be changed? I'm of two minds about this, the repetition works on one level but if it were my story I might try playing around with synonyms for one of the uses. Also you might want to say "the eyes watching him" instead of "the eyes that watched him." Just a suggestion for flow. :)

I think that Percy's second thoughts in parentheses work extremely well, it's like a Greek chorus telling us where Percy knows he went wrong.

I hope you did extremely well in your challenge, this is a powerful little story! Thanks for requesting!

Author's Response: Percy is basically the epitome of the prodigal son -- wow, that was a little brain revelation, I totally didn't mean to type those words! -- but you're so right. The things he did to his family, they're not going to just vanish. One of my most pondered questions in the HP fandom is how Percy must have felt about Fred's death. He missed a fair bit of his brother's adolescence because of his blindness, and now Fred's gone... It's a lot to think about.

The repetition of 'abandon' was definitely intentional there. :) And as for the other comment you mentioned, the story's in past tense, and so it works a bit better the way I have it -- but thank you for being willing to point out things like that! Nine times out of ten, I'll make a huge goof and won't notice it until a reader finds it. :D I'm pleased to hear you thought it was beautiful, though.

I'm glad you were willing to come by and leave me a review for this! Thank you very much, and I hope to see you around again. ♥ It means a lot to me!

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