Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:NaidatheRavenclaw says:
Hi! Here with your requested review! To be honest, Drue, I'm kind of terrified to leave this :P You're like THE Drue and knowing you want my opinion is awesome, but also sort of scary xD

First, a couple typos I noticed:

"Antioch..." said under his breath." You're missing a word before said

"Cadmus elbowed him the youngest brother in the ribs" Either "him" or "the youngest brother" should be taken out ;)

All right, so I really loved this chapter. You said that you weren't sure about the idea of this piece, and personally, I adored it. I think it's a unique twist on a time travel fic simply because of the characters involved and that it's the invisibility cloak that links them. I do think it's very original and different from most anything out there-I actually haven't even read a lot of stories where the Three Brothers are the main characters, and I think adding the time travel element and Dom Weasley to this makes it stand out. If I came across it while browsing the archives, it would definitely be a story I would read :)

I just want to say that I really liked Dominique's character as well. It was a slightly different take than most of the Dominique Weasleys I've read, where she tends to be really girly and Hogwart' "it" girl. I like this new take on her, where she's a bit more shy and smart. I think that'll work well with Ignotus' personality as well.

I think my main critique for this chapter is the dialogue. You're definitely trying to make it 13th century~like, but I think it's stuck somewhere in the middle right now. For example, the word "yeah" sort of interrupts the flow of the older speech. Try replacing it with "yes" or even just a sound like "eh". And then in a sentence like this- ""You shall get us lost again!""-it's sort of a blend between the older speech and modern speech. I find "get" to be a more modern term in general, so maybe rewording that to something like "you will make us lose our way again". It not only flows better that way, but the dialogue is more approproiate for the time period. I do, however, think that your dialogue got better as it progressed, and I think Death's dialogue was perfect. It had a mysterious, alluring tone and it still fit the time period. I'd look there to get a better idea for the rest of the story, or even in published books or guides online. It's really hard to write dialogue in this era perfectly, and you're doing really well, but it could be just a bit better.

As for setting up the scene, I think you did wonderfully. I'm always a little apprehensive to read chapters nearing 5000 words because a lot of times, they tend to ramble and I get bored halfway through, but this was set up perfectly. You really did need every word to get your point across, and I wasn't lost in unecessary description or anything like that :P I think that Death was appropriately creepy and despite knowing the tale beforehand, you still brought a fresh element to it. I could picture the characters in my mind and I especially loved your description of the bridge :)

The part at the end with Dom's mishap was also really well written, but I do think it was a bit confusing and repetitive at parts. Sentences like this- "She winced as her hands were the impacting object."-are just worded a bit awkwardly. Something like "she winced as the glass impacted her hands first" just flows better. I'd suggest reworking the last 3-4 paragraphs, just to make them flow nicely like you've done with the rest of the story. It might be helpful to get a second opinion on those as well-I'm one of those people who will write something and it'll make perfect sense to me, but no one else will even come close to understanding it :P So a second opinion might make it easier to see where the awkward sentences are.

Honestly though, this was a lovely first chapter. Most of the critique I had was just nitpicking, because I think that this was written really well. I loved the idea, and while it might not be something that's very popular (just because odd pairings and minor characters tend not to be as popular), I think you should stick with it because it's really a brilliant idea :)

-Naida

Author's Response: Ah, Naida! You are too kind! Thank you so much for taking the time to review! This was SO helpful! I can't tell you how grateful I am for your time and your critique!

You helped so much! I agree with everything, and I'm really struggling with the dialogue so thank you so much for pointing those things out!

Ah! You are fantastic. Thanks for pointing out those sentences. I'm working on a revised version of this chapter right now, and I'll be sure to get those things into the chapter. THANK YOU!!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 760
Submit Report: