Hello, I'm here with the first of your requested reviews~
First of all, kudos for using second person. At first I was a bit uncertain as to what you were trying to acheive by doing so, but then I realised you've sort of made James the everyman: he is the reader, somewhat, with his not-so-brilliantness and desire for independence and so on. (Re: your area of concern - he's very realistic. I make a habit of hanging around with twenty-one/twenty-two-ish guys, so I would know, I think. :P)
It's also as if the narrator is telling James the story, rather than the reader, which gives it a nice intimate feel. Do you know what I mean by that? It made sense in my head. Basically, what I'm telling you is, well done with the narrative style.
Only thing is though, honest to God, the first time I read the bit in italics I thought it was from the OC's POV. Maybe I'm not the brightest star in the sky, but still.
The plot itself isn't the most fast-paced, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You've created a whole lot of mystery here just through this one chapter: how did James get to where he is now? What's the theory? What's the miscarriage of justice? And most importantly, who is the white wine guy? It draws me in quite a bit, and makes me want to read on, so you needn't worry about that.
A couple of tiny-detail-critiques: how would James know Dior l'homme, and IIRC all magical words are proper nouns, including Apparition.
Well done on this chapter. Part Two of my review is coming up~
Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks! I really enjoy writing in second person, for some weird reason. It's kinda fun. Haha, thanks for that! I honestly had no intention of making James an everyman character - it kinda just happened on it's own. I'm glad he seems realistic - I thought when I first wrote it that I might be going a bit over the top with it, so that's great to hear! :D
Yeah, that's part of what I love about second person. It feels more intimate to me when I'm writing it as well, without the personal idea of first person. Don't worry - it made perfect sense! ;) Gosh, the italics... I know it's a bit confusing, don't worry - I just really wasn't sure how else to really separate the two bits, you know? O.o
Haha, that's a lot of questions! :) And unfortunately I can't give you any answers just yet (except the theory comes up in the next few chapters, as does the white wine guy :P).
Ohh, right, James knows Dior l'homme because Hugo works in Magical fashion - that will become clear later, I promise! Oh gosh, I find the whole capitalisation/non-capitalisation of magical words so difficult! I never know which ones should be and which ones shouldn't be - thanks for letting me know! :D
Thank you so much for this review - it was lovely and very helpful!