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Review:Beeezie says:
So you requested this review from me awhile ago, but I kind of unofficially closed my thread down for awhile. Now I'm back and here with your review, and I hope that you forgive me!

You were wondering about Oliver's character in particular, which I don't think I can really comment to just yet - if you want to rerequest when spots are available, feel free. Thus far, I think you've done a decent job with it, and I'd be interested to see how his relationship with his family has developed, given the glimpse you gave us of them shortly after his birth (which I found quite interesting and imaginative). However, like I said, I just don't feel like I've read enough to say too much about it right now.

As far as improvements in general…

Hmm.

Well, I do think that this is a solid first chapter, and I certainly found it intriguing. This is a take on Oliver and his life I haven't really seen before. Starting with it caught my attention as a reader, and I'd be surprised if others didn't feel the same! My only issue with this kind of prologue is that while it often feels interesting and helps draw the reader in, it sometimes isn't really as relevant to the rest of the story as perhaps it could be.

I only mention that because from your story summary, it sounds like this is entirely focused on Oliver and showing depth to him as a character. I'm not sure how that ties in with a prologue about his parents during the FWW - it just seems like it might be a dramatic change in tone in a way that isn't strictly relevant (as opposed to an angsty prologue but a happy chapter 1 because the story will explain how the angst came to be). I could simply be misunderstanding the story summary, of course. It's just a thought. :)

The major issue that I saw in this chapter was in your description and prose. I just didn't feel like there was enough of it, and what was there sometimes conflicted with itself. For example, in your first paragraph, you mentioned that Oliver's parents were holding hands as they walked down the street, but in the fourth you say that Oliver's father was holding him in his arms. Both of those things can't really be true unless he has three arms.

There were a few cases of contradictions like that in your description throughout the chapter, and there were a lot of cases where I felt like you just weren't including enough in the first place. Both scenes have a lot of emotional significance - in the first, the mood is tense and somber, and in the second, it should be light-hearted. I didn't really feel as much of that as I'd have liked to. What were the shadows like in the first scene? What did Oliver see below him as they flew? You don't need to add in paragraphs and paragraphs of description, but a bit more would help flesh it out, you know?

As is, this is an intriguing prologue. It gives a perspective on Oliver that, as I said, I don't think I've seen before, and I like the way you've displayed the end of the FWW from his point of view - it's easy to forget that people like Oliver, Bill, and Charlie were all old enough to remember the end of the war, and that gives them a very different perspective on it than people who are closer to Harry's age. It's was a nice addition, and a nice way to open the story, especially since that's how he discovered flying.

I hope I was helpful, and I'm sorry again about the wait.

Author's Response: Hello Beezie and it's okay, I'm sorry for the late response :)

I'm glad you review because I've been meaning to reboot this fic, I wrote under such a different mental state that I feel I didn't do the best job on it.

Thank you for pointing the contradictions and my problems with prose and description I'll keep that in mind while I edit the story :)

You were very helpful and it's true people tend to forget that Bill, Charlie, and Oliver were old enough to remember what the war was like.

Again thank you for this helpful review. :)


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