Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Aether says:
Hi! It's Aether from the forums.:) This is a beautiful story. I hadn't really thought of Luna and Draco in one scene before, and I think you did a great job of portraying this original ship!

I felt that there were areas where you could have gone into more depth or described things more. At times I was unsure of context or I had a lot of questions that went unanswered.

Since this is a short one-shot, I thought I'd just go through it in a lot of detail, from the beginning to the end.

>>> "He was drawn to her and he got her."

I stumbled over this sentence. What does "he got her" mean? Does he understand her? Why does he understand her? Why does Draco Malfoy feel such a connection with Luna Lovegood? How old are they in this scene? "Got" isn't the best verb choice here, but I might accept it more as just a word that Draco would use if it were qualified by some other sentence. "Got" can mean a lot of things, while other verbs sound better and are more descriptive. Eg. "understood" and "had" are both two different possible interpretations of "got" in that context. Being descriptive and saying "understood" (or something similar) saves the reader that awkward stumble.

>"He knew he shouldnít be there, he knew that any one else in existence would find it dam right creepy, but he also knew that she wouldnít."

As a reader, I really liked this sentence. I was sort of thinking it, and then Draco went ahead and sheepishly admitted to it. Excellent! I also felt that it shows how Draco does understand Luna Lovegood.

>>However, afterwards, I was confused about exactly what happened when Luna replied to Draco's thought. Can Luna read Draco's thoughts? How? Did Draco know that Luna knew he was there? How does Draco know that Luna can read his thoughts (since he's not startled by it at all)? How well do these two know each other already? Have they had past encounters?

I had a lot of questions throughout this one-shot, and I guess what I wish is that it was longer. I want more! :)

How did Draco witness his father's death in Azkaban (I believe you spelled it wrong in this one-shot)? Was he visiting at the time? What did Draco's father say in that letter?

I feel that you've done a great job of establishing a very original and intriguing pairing, but I wish I could have learned more about it. I felt that you could have added much more description. Go back through and think about every line in context of your character. Even the statements of the mysterious Luna Lovegood should make sense to the author. :)

>"He didnít know why he was still there. He didnít know why he wanted to talk about this now when he hadnít for over a year."

Really great sentence. It captured Draco's mood. He feels upset, and he's clearly mourning. But at the same time he's not in full control of his actions.

Overall, I think this one-shot is a very creative. I felt confused at times about what was happening, but I feel that's something that can be fixed (I've always had trouble with it too - my last novel fanfic completely confused my readers). There were a few grammar mishaps, but they weren't too obvious and you might be able to catch a few re-reading it (or get a beta). Great job!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 976
Submit Report: