Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Moonyxluna says:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

I thought this was a really great start. Right away you did a good job characterizing Molly; even compared to her little sister I instantly felt my heart go out for her when she was sort of instantly shoved to the background as the less interesting cousin.

You mentioned britpicking and I'm sorry to say I can't help you there! I didn't notice anything major though, so I think you did a good job there. (at least from my view :p )

You also asked about CC so one thing I noticed was her emotions were very extreme. In the beginning she slammed the car door shut and stalked away from it, which made me think she was NOT happy about this party, but then she was laughing so I thought she wanted to be there, and then her distasteful looks towards Lucy made me think she wasn't happy to bet there. So, my suggestion would be to go with the idea that she doesn't want to be there, and add a little bit to her laughing to make it as if she's being sarcastic; make her say how she put on a fake smile for her mom and talk about how she doesn't want to really go but she knows she should. Again though, just a suggestion! :)

I thought the moment with Uncle George was really sweet how she made him go back upstairs. I completely remember doing that to my parents (banishing them up the stairs) so it gave a bit of reliability in a humorous way. She seems, to me, like she fits in more with the older generation than with her peers.

I'm certainly not a grammar expert but I did notice a lot of commas. What I would suggest is to read out loud your writing (it sounds a bit silly, but bear with me)-- if you read things out loud or even whisper them to yourself you'll notice where some of your commas aren't necessary even if they feel right when you're first typing things. Do a read-over and take out the commas wherever the pauses seem unnatural.

I'm really interested to see how you plan on having Molly grow through this. I felt so bad for her to see her leaving a party crying and I already want to cheer for her and see her succeed.

The ending, too! I thought the ending was brilliant with the princesses and miracles-- I really like Molly from that line. You've got a really neat start here and the things I pointed out are very minor. Feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted :)

Author's Response: WOW! Thank you so much for all your help! this is so cool, and I will deffenintly be taking all of your advice... You are a life saver! :) Thanks again for your help! :)

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 743
Submit Report: